End of an Era...Sort Of.

And.....SEND!

"No more school, no more books, no more teachers, dirty looks!"

Kinda.....for now.

Having had one more paper left hanging from my last class that ended in December, I finally polished it off and hit that SEND button just minutes ago.

My last paper for the year.

As I breathe heavily and glance soulfully at the papers and textbooks strewn around me, I try to collect my feelings of.....accomplishment?  Of dread? Of forlornness?

My feelings are mixed: like waiting for the other shoe to drop, I'm waiting for the jubilee I expected from completing my final assignment before my pending maternity leave from work and school, but it's just not coming.  It's like I'm missing something: is it a fear? A fear of a lack of purpose in life?  Perhaps not a fear of a lack of purpose but perhaps a fear of being rejected from the life I knew, a built-up, dream-like state of academia life and being lost within my real reality, of family and obligations.

Is that wrong?

School will be there for me next January when I resume my degree, and although it's difficult to envision now, next January will come around so fast I'll likely be cursing the passage of time and longingly look back to what the future holds for me today.

So, as parallelisms go, as I gather my papers and close my books, I end another chapter in my life and open another one.  Instead of going to classes, taking notes, writing papers, one thing that will remain the same are my group projects, albeit of a different kind.

My group will now consist of my husband, my two little boys and my new little girl who arrives in 3 weeks, and my new projects will be more colourful, likely messy and dysfunctional, and most definitely more satisfying than I could possibly imagine.

Happy New Year, 2013!

I forgot that once upon a time, a long, long time ago, I used to make New Year's Resolutions each year.

Will lose weight.
Will exercise more.
Will eat healthier.

See a trend?

My resolutions were usually about improving the physical side of me.  Maybe because that's what seemed obvious.  Maybe because everyone was doing the same.

But I haven't made these resolutions in the longest time, nor do I remember when the last time I did so.

What happened to me?

I became a mom.

I see my kids' smiling faces each day, and I forget that my daily existence revolves around them.  And with a new baby just around the corner, I see the need to state the resolution that has gone unsaid, unspoken all these years:

Will be a better mom.

Sure, I'll be thinking about the losing weight, exercise more, eating healthier in the meantime.  But as I reflect on the meaning of a new beginning, a new year, what better way to pay homage to the one important role in my life that has given me meaning, shaped my life, and made me who I am today.  Not that I know HOW to be a better mom...but to try my hardest to enjoy my kids more,  shape them into responsible little citizens of the world, and to help them be who they are and what they know best: being a kid.

They're only young once, and so am I.

Happy New Year, 2013!  2012 was a year of many blessings, and I'm looking forward to year of another round of joyful surprises and happiness, for our family and for yours!

Another Challenge...Will It Ever End?

I've spent much of the past 10 months studying my way through my first year of my Master's degree, and it's almost sucked my life dry.  I've been challenged to the nth degree and have faced many bang-my-head-against-the-wall moments, writing papers, exams, group projects, questioning my very  existence between this rock and that hard place.

Although my first-year classes finished last weekend, and I'm almost over this academic Matterhorn, save for four papers to write between now and July 22nd, I'm finding my challenges have only yet begun.

I'm pregnant.

Yes, a shock for you, but if only I could have Instagram'ed my stark realization of my apparent disbelief could you truly appreciate the shock value it held for me.

If you knew me, you'd know I'm all about logistics: how things get done, when, how long, who, what, where, when, how....you get the drill.  Like a seasoned army general, I plan for the expected and the unexpected, forging my blueprints for appropriateness, completeness, finesse....

....this wasn't in the plan.

And before you barrage me with the whole "did you use protection?" debate, may I comment that this is a moot point, considering that I/we don't remember the what/where/when.  (Frankly, it's unfortunate, seeing we may have actually had a great time with the "how", but I guess that's what happens when priorities lie elsewhere.)

So, out goes the plan on losing the extra 15 lbs that snuck up on me on my Freshman-15. Much of my time now is preoccupied with deciding if I'm nauseous because of eating too much or eating too little.  My 9-week belly is growing at such a supernatural rate, I may be forced to blow my cover sooner than later, at the risk of being called bloated or, gasp, fat. (Who am I kidding: I'm already there. Ugh.)

Baby #3 (or affectionately referred to as, Better-Be-A-Girl by hubby) is definitely going to rock my world for the next few months.  Going to class on weekends, completing coursework, going to work full-time, two kids + one, if you include hubby, all while completing a thesis, nursing/pumping/insomnia, etc, etc....

While challenging, I find myself blessed to have found myself in this situation.  Actually, I find it slightly humourous, though perhaps this laughing gas I'm breathing will eventually wear off and I'll find myself needing oxygen instead. Until then, I'll keep chuckling away to keep my spirits up, shaking my head in disbelief to this cockamamie brick wall I keep running into. 

Damn logistics.  Good thing this ain't a real war.

Back To School!

"Congratulations!"

And with that, my life has been uprooted again.

I have been accepted into grad school!



A solemn acceptance of my fate ahead was sealed as I read my offer of admission via email last Thursday. I actually got in, unconditionally; my file at The Faculty of Graduate Studies is considered complete. I don't have to write the GMAT...all I have to do is say yes.

It took me 8 days to reply to the Faculty of Medicine (from which the MHA is being offered). I needed time to assess what a Yes meant for me, my family, and life as I knew it.

Saying yes meant I would be immediately broke starting September.
Saying yes meant moving into a bigger home would likely have to be put on hold.
Saying yes meant I would be spending less time with family.
Saying yes meant I would be stressing out a lot more than I already do (I'm anticipating meds.)

Saying yes meant I would not add Child #3 to my family....for now.

I'm ok with the first four points. The last point was a little bit hard to face.

But, you know, I have to remain firm in my belief that what is meant to be will be. Life is too short to be wondering about the what ifs.

Eight days later, and I believe.

I could've dissected this decision to apply to grad school with a finer-toothed comb, but it's because I believe in the fate that leads me, I'll be ok.

And so goes my reply... "I am writing to inform you that I happily accept the offer of admission granted by The Faculty of Graduate Studies and I am extremely excited to be entering the MHA program in September 2011."

I need another sip of my Malibu sitting beside me: it's finally kicking in.

Cheers to the long 2 year ride ahead!

Just a Litte Tear Drop

I've been sick, as you know, and not liking it one bit.

I've worked five whole days since March 25 and I'm sure my coworkers are coming to some conclusion by now that this is getting rather ridiculous.

I couldn't agree more.

At the risk of providing TMI, I'll spare you the details of how gross my sputum has become and where it's decided to lodge itself permanently and set up house. Whether what I've got is indeed pneumonia or not (I'm on Avelox, at $7 a pill!), it sucks even worse when compounded with excruciating lower back pain which boldly surfaces whenever I have to suddenly cough (and expel said sputum!).

So, in addition to Avelox, I'm also on Robax, an OTC medicine for backpain. Containing some magnesium, I have to delay taking it in the morning because of reduced absorption of the Avelox medication. So in the morning, I've got no meds to numb the back pain, usually until about noon. Afterwards, I'm good to go, popping two of those suckers every 6 hours, the max dose allowed. 500mg of Methocarbamol, a muscle-relaxant, and 200 mg Ibuprofen in each pill and I can at least get up from the toilet without crying out Momma.

But the physical pain doesn't compare to the mental anguish I got today from watching my kids leave the house with my parents. My 16-month old slept over at my parents' place last night, the second time ever, and twice this month, and I had a feeling he might stay over again tonight. It was really nice to not have to wake up in the middle of the night and rock him back to sleep as he requires, usually both of us cranky at this point, and waking up in the morning because you felt like it was actually a good time to get up. (Frankly, the only reason I got up was to pop an Avelox so I can take my Robax by noon, and not, as most would think, to pop in some waffles in the toaster oven for the The Big Kid's breakfast -- priorities, people!).

Although I'll see The Big Kid later tonight, I quietly cried at the window as my parents piled the two kids into their van. I can't carry my growing 25-pounder, nor kiss him lots, for fear of getting him more sick (he's still got a bit of bronchialitis); my back is too painful to cart him around like he likes me to. And suddenly a waft of sympathy fell over me, a little sliver of the pain my cousin's wife must have felt as her daughter was carted away from her as she battled her fight with cancer. Then I lost it completely, crumpled to the ground, reliving the agony.

I'm not equating my silly little ailment to something monstrous like cancer, but I felt a tiny twang of pain than must have been a billion-fold more horrendous for my dear cousin-in-law who passed away last October, leaving behind her husband and the sweetest little 2 year old you'll ever meet. I understood it then, but I feel it now.

But now is not the time to reminisce about something still so painful to our family. No, the focus is to take things into perspective and just get better!

Health is pivotal to everything in life ... doing daily tasks, caring for my family, and yes, doing the Daily Grind and working your ass off. I'm sure my husband would appreciate me getting better, as he (un)intentionally makes me guilty of him doing all the laundry and tidying up for me (I swear, being home all day does not benefit the beauty of our home, and in fact it's on a downward slide) and making dinner (oh, who am I kidding --- my cooking hiatus started way before I got sick).

So, my tears fell because I miss my life. I want everything to return to normal, whatever normal is. Just not THIS. I want to return to work, I want to return to running, I want to return to caring for my family.

But all that will have to wait until I return to health.

Happy New Year...About time I Blogged!

Hello, and, finally, Happy New Year!

I hadn't forgotten about my blog, but simply I just hadn't had the time to put a post up. I meant to write a decent-size post about what's been going on lately, yet I kept delaying it, convinced I didn't have the time to write what I thought would probably be a lengthy post.

So, here I am now. I'm not promising a long post, but let's see how far I get....

1. Back At Work:

Yes, my maternity leave is now over and I'm back at work. The year (or, rather, the 14 months) has gone by waaaay too fast, and I now Reality is here to stay. I'm sad that Life has to go on and I must return to my job, yet, who am I kidding, I love the money. I had been officially on paid vacation since Nov 23, 2009, so getting a nice paycheque for the following 5 weeks weren't hard to take! But now I have to actually DO some work to get paid so, sigh, off to work I go!

2. Work at Work:

My life at work is super busy! I can't believe that I have been given so much work to do! I work in a laboratory and they've got me re-training for a whole friggin' month! Normally, the duties I've been assigned to do are only a one week rotation, because no one's crazy to want a whole month. Yeah, so that's what they give me! AND, to top it all off, I got zapped with the highest specimen load we've ever experienced: normally we receive 10-15 specimens a week but I friggin' got 39!!!! THIRTY NINE! No wonder I was tired last week! No breaks, just 1/2 hr lunches, but mostly 15-20 min lunches, and working overtime. There was no one more happier than me to see the weekend!


3. The Kids:

My parents have decided that they want to watch the kids while I return to work. Save your money, they said, we'll watch them. So far, it's been pretty good. I drop the kids off by 8am and arrive at work by 8:30. If I left work at the time I was supposed to, I'd be back by 4:30 to pick them up. As per #2 above, I was working a few hours of overtime last week, so I haven't exactly established a real routine yet.

I don't want to put my parents out too much, as they're technically not on my payroll, so I try to head over as early as I can get out of work. It's so different than dealing with full-time daycare like I've done in the past. I've decided to give them a monthly allowance, for them to do as they please, just as a little thank you. They're still saving me a ton of money, so what little I can give them, I'm happy. My mom already offered to beat me when I gave her the money. Nice mom, huh? LOL Yet, she hasn't tried to return the money to me since!

4. Half Marathon

Yes, this is still in the works. I have 16 weeks before the BMO Vancouver Marathon on May 2, and if I want to run it, I have to start training. I ran about 50 miles in October, one run in Nov, and about 5 runs early December. I need to build a base before starting my 12 week training in a month. So I've started running at work this week. Work as somewhat leveled off and I can at least find time to hear myself think at my desk! I got myself a locker of my own in the common locker room down the hall, and can make no excuses about getting dressed for a run now.

I ran 3 miles yesterday and 2 miles today. I have another 3 miles to run and a 4-miler for my Long Run on Sundays. I plan to repeat this 3-2-3-4 pattern for the next 4 weeks until my training starts. I have been writing a running blog since I started running again in the Fall, and you can read that here. It's not the best online running blog to use, but it works for now. I've signed up for dailymile.com but haven't used it yet. My current running blog is set on private and I haven't really shared it with anyone, and the dailymile.com site can be linked to Facebook, being touted as a social training log.

Let's hope I can continue with the running and not get injured like I did with shin splints in October!

----------------------

That's all I can think of right now to share. I'm sure there are tons of things I could write more about but my head is just fried! I honestly don't know how I will manage all these weeks of waking up early, getting the kids ready, going to work, coming home, racing this way and that for after-school activities, get home, perhaps cook some dinner, wash dishes, prepare for the next day, still have some Me time on my computer, and STILL get a decent night's sleep before starting the whole damn thing over again!

Deep breath...

How-To: Enjoy Your Coffee in Peace

This morning, my 4 year old and I were having breakfast.

Son: Wow, Mom! That sure is a big full cup!
Me: Yes, that's my coffee. I need a lot of it today.
Son: Why?
Me: Oh, I was up late last night. I went to a party, remember?
Son: Oh, whose party?
Me: It was my coworker,...you met her before. It was a wedding; she was getting married.
Son: Oh, what's "married"?
Me: Well, Daddy and I got married. I picked him, and he picked me and we got married. Tita (Aunt) Janice picked Uncle Dave and Uncle Dave picked Tita Janice, and they got married.
Son: How about Lolo Jun (Janice's dad)?
Me: Yeah. Lolo Jun picked Lola Phoebe (Janice's mom) and Lola Phoebe picked Lolo Jun. One day, maybe you'll pick some girl and you'll get married too!
Son: I don't want to get married.
Me: No? Maybe one day....
Son: {shakes head} No, I don't want to get married.
Me: Well, I'll remember this talk in the future (for your wedding reception). You sit on it, think about, maybe you'll change your mind one day.
Son: I'm not hungry anymore. {exits room}

And that, my friends, is how you clear the room and enjoy your coffee in peace on a Monday morning!

Being on Maternity Leave

I'm coming up on Month 9 of my maternity leave and although I'm enjoying my time with my little boy, I can't help but start counting down the clock until I return to work on January 4, 2010.

There's something about being distant from my coworkers that leaves me with pangs of jealously. I think of it this way: those folks I worked with day in and day out, even though they aren't officially family, actually are, since, when you think about it, we spend more time together than we do with our spouses. So, to be on maternity leave, and not get any news of how they're doing, what they're up to, how their kids/husbands/girlfriends are doing, leaves me jealous of those that know what's going on.

And I'm not talking gossip. I despise gossip, especially when there's enough office politics to go around already. No, I'm talking hard news.

Case#1: I left on my maternity leave Nov/Dec 2008. By June, my coworker tells me via Facebook she's getting married in November. When I left, she was single, and when she told me she was getting married, I didn't even know she had been dating anyone.

Case#2: I just found out one of them is pregnant again. She just returned to work 3 months ago. When I go back, she might be leaving....or already gone. Again, I don't know details. The person who told me thought I already knew. Nope.

Case#3:The one coworker who sits beside me and spends a bit of time chatting with me is apparently having a lunch thrown for him this month. You'd think he'd told me what's up with that. Again, no word directly from the horse's mouth...same said person in Case #2 tells me this news too, as if I knew what she was talking about. I've since asked for clarification from both of them. No reply, yet, of course.

So, as I'm living the isolated life on this side of the fence, my coworkers world continues to revolve without me. I wonder if I'll even recognize them when I return. I sure won't recognize the lives their leading now.

Breastfeeding

I guess you could say I'm a breastfeeding advocate. Having breastfed my first child until he decided to stop at 16 months, I was very proud of the fact that he had only ever had 7 oz of formula in his life. I thought I would be as lucky to have such a lengthy experience with Mr. B....so not the case.

Mr. B was born at just under 7 lbs, a pretty average weight, but more than a pound lighter than his older brother. Breastfeeding is always difficult at first, as I learned with the first one, and thought I had a good handle over it for the second kid.

Mr. B has gone in for his 2-month and 4-month shots and each time he only hit the 25th-percentile in weight gain. Today, we went in for his 6-month shots and he dropped in weight to the zero-percentile. What does that mean? Of one hundred babies, 99 babies would weigh heavier than him.

I don't think that's a great stat to brag about.

So, now, I have to wrap my head around the fact that I simply can no longer support him on my milk alone. I'm quite disappointed. Disappointed in that my desire to provide the best possible nutrition does not supercede my ability to do so. I'm saddened that I may no longer be able to foster the closeness and warmth between me and Mr. B. But nor do I wish him to spiral into sub-zero-percentile at his next weigh-in three months from now.

Now my thoughts are preoccupied with how many bottles I need to buy, what type of formula to consider (ready-to-feed vs concentrated vs powder), feeding schedules, how much to give, how to be mobile with a "baby and bottle", how many bottles to make, when to make them...the list goes on, none of which I had concerns with when I was exclusively breastfeeding.

Today, I picked up a book The Breastfeeding Mother's Guide to Making More Milk, by Diana West. Still distraught at the thought of switching straight to formula only, I thought the book could impart some wisdom and insight into my situation. I was hoping I would read this 300-page book cover to cover tonight, in my attempt to provide calm and peace to my otherwise ravaged mind, but, as a mother, just couldn't find the time to spare. I skipped to the chapter on Supplementing without Decreasing your Supply, then flipped to the beginning when random page-reading left my head a-turning.

As a haven't read much yet, here is a brief review if you're interested. Recommended by the La Leche League, this book may provide the solace I so desperately need. The authors also have a website, lowmilksupply.org.

So I will be attempting to supplement at each feed but continue to breastfeed first, if he'll take it. Even if ultimately I end up exclusively formula-feeding Mr. B, this excerpt taken from my new purchase helps alleviate my pain:

Realize that you are a successful breastfeeding mother. This is not about how much milk you were able to produce or how long you were able to breastfeed. It is about the commitment you made to give your baby the best start in life and the tremendous effort your put into pursuing that goal. Even if breastfeeding didn't work out quite the way you may have hoped, you undoubtedly shared some special moments that you would not have had otherwise.....Most of all, remember that success lies not in ounces but with love. What a lucky baby you have whose mother is making the effort to give him the best of herself!

Mr. B

I call my little one Mr. B. I have a friend who started calling him this and it stuck. He is a little mister: he dictates how our days are run, how long we stay out for and when we get to sleep.

On Sunday he started eating solid foods, aka rice cereal, and I snapped a few pics.



He ate the whole tablespoon of rice cereal, diluted with a good amount of formula to make it liquid-y and much creamier than adding just water. He loved it! I went to church afterwards and he was so full that he didn't budge one bit, smiling and staring at us choir members, and even fell asleep for a while on his own.

He was such a good baby today!

I fed him more at dinner, but he was so full from all the milk he drank, he only ate 3/4 of the amount fed to him in the morning. I'm blogging at 2am, typing away, making noise, and he's so sound asleep. Shhhh!

Mr. B. is growing up fast!

And Why I Prefer House Arrest

Being a mom to a newborn and a preschooler is tough, at least for me. Maybe all moms may feel like I do, given the situation, but I swear it felt like today was one of those days where I must be the only mom battling it out.

My preschooler used to go to daycare full-time, but since being home for maternity leave, I have him with me 24/7. So now I have two at home. It was easier the first time around. It was just me and The Kid and we could, and did, go anywhere we pleased, regardless of the weather. I think I even went across the border on our own. Anyways, this time around, I'm not that lucky. I actually can't be bothered! I've got a preschooler, who, thank God, was recently potty-trained. This means that I need to know where every toilet is, and not only that, it has to be clean (I'll take spotless, please!). Here, I'm already limiting myself. Eliminating parks from the picture (forget port-a-potties!), drastically reduces our fun time. If I can do without peeing by a tree, I will, so parks are out most of the time.

So, the sad life I lead, I stay at home most days, biding my time either feeding them, wiping them, cleaning up after them, and, should I be so selfish, spending some time on my computer. I bitch, complain, that I don't get to do anything but stay home and watch the kids, but only because my house arrest is self-imposed.

Well, today, I thought I should get out of the house. With the 1st of June fast approaching, the date the US Border requirement for all persons crossing to possess a valid Canadian passport takes affect, I realize that the Little One doesn't have his passport yet. The application was filled out a month ago, the photos taken shortly afterwards, so all I need to do is go down to the office and apply. And given the wonderful weather we've been having lately, I guess it should be my duty to go out and enjoy what, hopefully, could be the start of our late Spring.

I evidently also promised The Big Kid that we'd actually go to the park too. Woo hoo! [insert sarcasm here]

The application process at the government office went quite smoothly: we waited in one queue for 3 minutes and another queue for 5 minutes. Painless.

Then I thought we could go home. Nope, he remembered what I promised (they always do) and he insisted that we still go to the park. Not to be outdone by him later when he complains about being hungry and thirsty (I'm not one of those moms who knows how to pack in advance), I suggested to we go into the mall and buy some snacks.

With the Little One still asleep this whole time, we manage to make it into the store and hunt around for the grocery section at Zellers. Of course, it's all the way upstairs, so off we go to find the elevators. I'm running around quickly, grabbing some cookies, crackers, chips (healthy menu, yes, but the chips were his idea and I wasn't in the mood to fight it), and some juice that didn't say "simulated flavours" (SOMETHING has to be healthy here).

Then the crying begins.

I haven't even gotten all the items yet. The stroller awning was getting heavier with each added item; should it collapse and injure the baby within, I had to find a basket to toss things in.

Wail, wail.

Meanwhile, the Big Kid keeps dropping his bags of chips (yes, two bags...ain't gonna pass on a multiples deal!) and I swear, I wasn't going to buy crumbs, so I'm chasing him down, telling him to be careful.

Of course, there are no cashiers on the top floor, so I had to head downstairs again.

While at the cashier, arguing over the price of the scanned items (it's the principle, okay, not the money!), a growing crowd, yes, crowd of women were approaching the stroller.

- oh, he must be hungry!
- oh, he's so cute! what a darling!
- poor dear, now, now, no crying!
- is this your brother? how sweet!
- he's not stopping...oh, poor thing!

Back away from the baby! At least this is what I would've said if I wasn't vehemently arguing with a second cashier about my totalled receipt. I would've stood my ground and demanded some money refunded, but as the voices around me grew louder, the pool of sweat accumulated on my forehead and brow, my body temperature rising with each second, and I was burning up like crazy.

Just never mind! I said and grabbed my receipt, bags and the kids and busted out of there.

Out in the sun, the heat melting my makeup even more, I took a breath, closed my eyes, and gulped. What a mad house!

We went back to the car, and with our appetites getting the best of us, we cracked open the crackers, chips, cookies and juice. I nursed the Little One in the driver's seat while I recooperated from the craziness while the Big Kid was content with his Cool Ranch Doritos, sipping lukewarm apple juice. I gorged on Cracked-Black-Pepper-with-Olive-Oil Triscuits (yum..just like a chip..you should try it!).

He didn't forget about the park.

So we went there afterwards for an hour. He met some new friends, which is why we stayed so long. Hubby met us there, on his way home from work: oh, sweet surrender!

The Big Kid didn't even have to pee, even after all that juice.

I was grateful to get home....finally. I got my fill today, experienced the Outside and so I think I'll do this again....oh, next year. Lock the door, close the blinds...I'm staying home for a while.

This year is going to be a long one.

Photo credits:
Handcuffs by foxuman
Frustrated by John De Boer
(both royalty-free)

4 Years Ago Today...

...I gave birth to my first son.

I have very faint memories of what my life what like before he came along. How did I manage to be passionate about anything prior to starting a family...how was it possible that other things consumed me and that none involved taking care of a little one? What occupied my mind, and my heart, before he came along? School? Work? Partying? Sleeping? Was I fulfilled then? Was Life "complete"? I don't remember any voids, but my heart beats faster thinking there would be one now, since having started on this journey of motherhood 4 years ago.

As we celebrate my son's 4th birthday, I realize that I am a mom. It seems odd to state the obvious. But somewhere along the way, my focus gradually shifted from myself to this other person, graduating from out of necessity to one of desire, a deliberate want. From birth, the need to sustain this life takes force, sending you in to an automatic, zombie-like urge to protect and nurture your new baby. Cuddling, cooing, feeding, sleeping. Eventually, as they grow up, you realize your impact, your contribution. You become part of him, and him of you, a seamless continuum.

He groggily held me in his arms as I put him back to sleep tonight. You're my Best Friend, he told once more. You're MY Best Friend, as I kissed him back.

Happy Birthday, Hunny Bunny. :)

My Fault....I'm So Mad!

Dear Son,

I'm sorry, darling. You won't be able to play SportBall with your buddies because your silly mommy didn't register you in time and it's all full. I'm more mad than you are sad, and it's my fault. What was I thinking? Why didn't I register you last week? I have been so busy with your baby brother, I totally forgot. I'm sorry!

We're on the wait list, #3. Who knows, maybe they'll let more than 12 kids in the class. I hope so...you haven't missed a session yet. You've had lots of fun there, right? I'll try and register you somewhere else, even if I have to drive far....then we can go back to the regular gym where we play.

Again, I'm sorry! Mommy won't do that again. I'm beating myself up over this...I hope you love me still, honey.

Love,
Mom

Potty Training

Not me. My son.

We've had about two weeks, now, of successful potty-going, and I'm glad. He's turning 4 in April and he's just about to bust out of his size 6 diapers, which was the only thing keeping in the leaks at night until about 2 months ago, and since then, we were still getting more leaks than not.

We had two good nights where he didn't wet his bed at all, then after 2 nights of changing bedsheets, I gave up. So, he's wearing a pull-up at night only, and he's cool with that. I notice in the morning that he's gone in there overnight, so it can only be a good thing for this mommy that he's not complaining about wearing a pull-up.

Another accomplishment to celebrate in this household! Phew! Now I only have one bum to change around here!

Fed Up!

I'm tired, cranky, and fed up!

I just want to disappear away from my kids. Is it awful to want some peace from it all? The crying, the whining? I'm about ready to scream at the top of my lungs if my 2-month old doesn't stop crying. I am so tired of having to pick him up every single time he cries. Fed up. Cry, keep on crying! I've had enough!

And my toddler is not helping matters. I'm been trying to potty-train him, but unless you watch him CONSTANTLY, you can't catch him needing to go. I don't want to have to watch him constantly! I don't want to watch endless TV with him. I'm too tired to go outside and let him run around, because I can't get everybody ready to do so. It's just too much...I just want to open the back door and sneak out and not come back for hours. I could never actually do that, of course, but it's really nice to fantasize doing so and escaping this nightmare of a mess called Motherhood.

What have I had today? A cup of coffee and about 3 of my husband's home-baked chocolate chip cookies. Nutritious. Oh, and I ate the crusts of my son's grilled cheese sandwich I made him. Calcium. There's nothing else in the house...grocery shopping is just another one of those tasks left undone here.

Still wailing away....hmm......

I'd call my parents to see if they'd help out, but they're not calling me, so I interpret that as meaning they're happy to have a day to themselves, away from clingy grandkids. Don't blame them. Now, I'm just stuck with them until my husband comes home.

Maternity leave sucks. I'd rather be back at work. Another 11 months to go.

Maybe if I lock myself in the bathroom and cry, I can escape this life for just a moment...but I've got yet another diaper to change.

Slightly sM.A.Cked!

It was like the world was in slow motion as pushed the stroller closer and closer. Like it was a dream, fate, karma, if you will. Yes, I was so close, as my eyes widened in amazement, a sight I haven't seen in years, it seemed...the M.A.C. counter!

My toddler in tow, I managed to convince him that we go in the store "just for a little while".

- Mom, that's girl stuff!
- But Mom is a girl...
- No, you don't need makeup...

I sighed and blushed as the SA looked up and greeted us with what probably would have sounded like an "aww!" if I were any closer to her. Either that or she was telling herself, oh shit, don't come any closer.

I browsed around staring at all the new items I have only seen online, while constantly removing pans of concealer and foundation out of my son's hands. What should I buy today? Concealer? Lipstick? Hmmm....

I didn't know how to select a concealer so I asked the SA about the various kinds. She tells me that on February 5, M.A.C. is revealing a new line called Studio Sculpt that provides full-coverage yet won't crease or fade. The current products, she said, either provide medium-coverage and don't crease or full-coverage and can crease. The Studio Sculpt coming out would be the best of both worlds.

I looked up more information and found out this on Makeup and Beauty Blog :

Studio Sculpt Concealer: Inspired by the needs of M·A·C makeup artists, who demanded a full-coverage concealer that never becomes dry and cakey, the gel-based cream formula slips onto skin, effortlessly hiding imperfections. Its silicone coated pigments help retain color purity for superb coverage that blends easily yet covers completely with just a small amount of product.

It'll probably cost around $20 CDN since it will be $16.50 USD. So I booked an appointment next Thursday to try it out. And maybe, while she's at it, she can colour type me too...and try some other products that I'll be tempted to buy!

So I bummed around the place a bit more. I fondled the Paint Pots (how lovely! Groundwork would look great as an eye base with my skin colour), and tickled a few of the lipsticks.

Before I left, I picked up a pot of Lip Conditioner SPF 15. I heard great things about it, and although it was $15, at 15g of product, that's about on par with the Kiehl's lip balm I used to use, and that was just "ok". So far, I love the slight vanilla taste and it applies smoothly. A little bit goes a long way. Right away, I can tell it'll work better for me than my current pomegranate Burt's Bee balm.

I can't wait until next Thursday!

Re.Edit. Karen at Makeup and Beauty Blog posted a review on the Studio Sculpt Foundation and Concealer....check it out!

My Beauty Realization...and Purchases!

Being a mom gives me a certain badge of honour....one which I don't wear proudly. The badge of "ugliness" comes to mind. Yes, as a mother, I am now to look a certain way, my hair having not seen a hairbrush in weeks, nevermind my straightener, my bare-all complexion of past acne scars of yesteryear and impending wrinkles foretelling my doom into motherhood greet me in the mirror; yes, I am a mother now.

Mind you, I have been a "mother" for almost 4 years now, though just having a newborn around makes it seems like a "rebirth", so to speak, into motherhood again. I grew out of this phase I'm in at one point in my life, but here I am again, faced with the challenge of beautifying myself to prove to all, and especially myself, that I am one of those wondrous females who can have her looks AND kids too.

So where do I start? This past week has been an awakening for me, as I stumbled upon a beauty blog by Miss Christiana - Memoirs of a Shopping Addict. As I read through her blog, her makeup reviews, application tips, I realized I was old. Christiana just turned 22 years old, about a dozen years younger than myself, and she is young and beautiful and has a passion about beauty, showing how much confidence and poise a 22 year old should rightfully have. What does this 30-something have to show? I found her blog not only interesting but inspiring, so I decided to search online for products that would beautify me on the outside, in the hopes of convincing my inside to glow too.

So, I'm no virgin when it comes to online shopping. I don't have any hangups. Yes, I've been somehow caught in online identity theft, but that won't stop me from shopping online, since I keep track of everything on one online-only credit card (I used to before, and it still happened, but I remain diligent).

I thought I could pick up something new at Everyday Minerals, where I've purchased a couple of sample kits to test their foundation colours, in addition to some blushes and concealers, but then I thought I'd start shopping elsewhere for a bit, to see what's out there.

Before coming to this whole epiphany on Christiana's blog, I was going to make a purchase on Franchesca's website, Adorned With Grace Minerals. Franchesca had developed the foundation mix of Buttered Tan at Everyday Minerals, a colour that can suit most filipino girls, being Filipino herself. I found out that she has developed her own line of mineral makeup, focusing on colours for the yellow/olive undertones in Asian skin. Buttered Tan never suited me, and I hadn't quite determined my exact shade at Everyday Minerals. I decided to buy AWG's "15 for $12" sample kit, where I could sample 15 colours for one price. I chose 14 colours from her foundation palette to test out (I reserved one sample for a blush, I believe).


Also I ordered her Divine Oil-Control Primer, which would help me keep the slick away. I'll try anything that will do that! And since she had a 3-day special on 12 eyecolour baggies for $7, I couldn't resist and pick that one up to. I plan on doing some swatches when the haul comes in. Oh, and the bonus couldn't be any cooler: 8 samples/baggies of the new shimmering blushes she will release next month. They are super nice! The following swatch is found on Franchesca's blog, Defining True Beauty:

Meanwhile, on Christiana's blog, I stumbled upon a reference to Buff'd Cosmetics, where she finds her HG (holy grail) foundation. Turns out the company is from Prince George right here in BC! How I could I not order something from a MMU (mineral makeup) company so close to home?!? Well, no duty or cost conversion, that is. So I purchased 5 foundation samples in Moccasin, Almond, Buff, Warm and Saffron to try. They came in and right away I knew Moccasin and Almond were too light, Buff being ok, but Warm and Saffron looking more my tone.


I'll post swatches when I have a chance. I put Warm on first and it was too pink for me. I have a lot of yellow undertones and although there is a balance of yellow and pink in Warm, I guess I don't have much pink in me all. I tried Saffron, which looks really yellow. After a few days of wearing the sample, I think Saffron could use a LITTLE bit yellow, as I am still a bit chaulky looking after applying. It's not perfect, but so far is the best match I've found in MMU.

I went and put in another Buff'd order to sample Caramel and Camel, which might be too dark for me, but perhaps they have a better level of yellow. Since I was ordering, and the shipping was free, I added samples of Midnight (an eyebrow colour), Canvas (an illuminating dust), Whisper (a pure white blush for highlighting), and Mais (a translucent yellow setting powder). I think that's what I ordered...my samples should arrive tomorrow. I'll try and post swatches of these too.


I couldn't help but browse Christiana's site for more helpful info, and she refers quite a bit to Silk Naturals. Another MMU company, but this has fantastic shipping prices to Canada! I put in a $40 order and shipping was only $3.50! Ok, so what did I order?


Fiber Optic Blush Brush
Premium Synthetic Flat Top Brush
Climax blush (NARS Orgasm clone)
Birthday Suit lip gloss (a nude tone)
Bliss lipstick (Bobbie Brown Brownie clone)


With my order, I'll also get a free eyeshadow of my choice, which I picked Brown Sugar, and Melange, a silvery plum eyeshadow, their choice of bonus.


First time purchasers get 5% off their order. I practically got shipping free as a result! What's not to love?


I didn't stop there though. I hit my all-time favourite place to shop: ebay! There I bought a very coveted Ben Nye Powder Cheek Rouge in Contour No.1, recommended by Christiana as her favourite contour powder (and, boy, do I need contouring, LOL). Also I decided to spring for a tube of Urban Decay Primer Potion, since I've been wanting to try it forever. I bought a second tube for my sister too, since she prefers using a primer but has never tried UDPP before.

So, there, my January haul! With any luck, there will be a February haul, probably with full-size items, if not a few more samples to try out. The other sites I wanted to shop at were Coastal Scents for their 28-pan Neutral palette, and JW Cosmetics, just because.


Now all I do is wait. Sigh. A little shopping therapy is already making me feel a whole lot better!

When a Mother Just Wants To Disappear....

I went grocery shopping with my toddler the other day. I haven't gone for a good, solid trip in weeks. I'd pick up something simple for dinner one day, or eat out another day, but it's been a while since I actually ran up a huge grocery bill. Tonight's the night!

So, with my husband being at a softball practice, it was me and kid out to get groceries.

Tell me, moms out there, why is it that when you have your kid(s) with you, you always end up getting the f#!$ed up shopping cart!?! You know, the one where the one wheel rotates furiously fast, the cart needs every ounce of strength to push to overcome the defunct wheel, and the most irritating foghorn of a screech eminating from the wheels as you try and maneuver QUIETLY down the aisles? And to top it all off, you trying to discipline your kid OVER the screeching?

I swear everyone knew we were behind them!I have become one of them! Them, you ask? Yes, those parents you see in the stores trying to balance something as routine as grocery shopping with a kid in tow. Sound easy? HA, you fool!

I spent two whole hours in the grocery store, to buy only $150 worth of groceries. That's 80 cents being spent every minute I was in there. So? That's like picking up a small can of soup EVERY MINUTE! Pick up a can, wait 60 seconds, ooo, another can of soup! Pick it up, walk for 60 seconds, wow, another can of soup! 120 cans of soup later is when I left the store.

Of course I didn't just buy soup. But you get my drift. No one buys soup that way, and no one should spend 2 hours grocery shopping. Hell, I've never even spent that much time in Costco, and you can eat forever in there and watch a whole movie!

So I crashed that night, exhausted, in tears, wondering why I try to do everything myself.

Because I'm a Mom and that's what we do.