Reflections, Part II

Midnight.

I should be sleeping but I have to finish the reflections I started a couple of months ago, as tomorrow is the day I return to work.

I hoped tomorrow hadn't crept up so soon.

Am I ready to return to work? The tangible things aside (my lunch, extra utensils for my desk, a dozen chocolate chip cookies for the coworkers), I'm as prepared mentally as I figured I allowed myself.  I refuse to be ready to return, but aim for "adequately anxious".

Despite having an infant in the house, I actually have been extremely lucky to have been able to sleep in on most occasions, even after being rudely awoken at 4am. This past week alone I haven't been up before 9am; I don't know if I can get up at 6:30 every morning from now on.

It is what is it.

I hope that I have the strength to balance my life from hereon in.  Work. School. Family. A work-life balance will mean a lot more to me than it ever will, and I hope I don't lose perspective on what really counts in life.

When The Going Gets Tough...

I threw in the towel today.

As much as I refuse to admit defeat and use the words, "I surrender", I did just that.

I surrendered.

I surrender to the expections I have placed on myself to being everything to everybody.

I surrender to the unexpected events I have endured, worrying about the what-ifs that would've changed things and the what-ifs that may never be.

I surrender to the facade of being a good mother, in the face of actually being a good mother.

I surrender to what is left of me.

I have been forced to realize the status of my self-being: being suddenly deprived of everything I sought so hard to achieve, yet also feeling that perhaps I had never achieved anything in the first place.

So I'm taking a time-out, a "forced" (tell me, who admits defeat, willingly?) "medically-supervised" (read: borderline clinical depression) leave-of-absence from my job, so I can re-focus, re-adjust, refine and re-find my mind, body, spirit because, somewhere, I lost myself.

Where am I?

As I stood in the hallway of my doctor's office, staring out the tower window looking down on the street below, I contemplated what a leave-of-absence meant.

Defeat.

Weakness.

Incapable.

Failure.

Surely others have way more on their shoulders, yet why can I not do the same: grin and bear it?

So, I will take these next few weeks to gather my wits, "take a breather", learn to de-multitask, and focus on spending some time mending my spirit.

But in true Cheryl-style, to add insult to injury, I came across a book today, and I couldn't decide whether to throw it against a wall or curl up with it. It was a book on highly successful career-driven women and how they balance work and family. I bought it. If it's a secret, I do want in. But I'm not sure I'm ready to tackle my issues just yet, so this book will likely remain decoration on my nightstand, to taunt me, perhaps, or maybe it'll sink into my subconscious during sleep and then I'll finally know....

Happy New Year...About time I Blogged!

Hello, and, finally, Happy New Year!

I hadn't forgotten about my blog, but simply I just hadn't had the time to put a post up. I meant to write a decent-size post about what's been going on lately, yet I kept delaying it, convinced I didn't have the time to write what I thought would probably be a lengthy post.

So, here I am now. I'm not promising a long post, but let's see how far I get....

1. Back At Work:

Yes, my maternity leave is now over and I'm back at work. The year (or, rather, the 14 months) has gone by waaaay too fast, and I now Reality is here to stay. I'm sad that Life has to go on and I must return to my job, yet, who am I kidding, I love the money. I had been officially on paid vacation since Nov 23, 2009, so getting a nice paycheque for the following 5 weeks weren't hard to take! But now I have to actually DO some work to get paid so, sigh, off to work I go!

2. Work at Work:

My life at work is super busy! I can't believe that I have been given so much work to do! I work in a laboratory and they've got me re-training for a whole friggin' month! Normally, the duties I've been assigned to do are only a one week rotation, because no one's crazy to want a whole month. Yeah, so that's what they give me! AND, to top it all off, I got zapped with the highest specimen load we've ever experienced: normally we receive 10-15 specimens a week but I friggin' got 39!!!! THIRTY NINE! No wonder I was tired last week! No breaks, just 1/2 hr lunches, but mostly 15-20 min lunches, and working overtime. There was no one more happier than me to see the weekend!


3. The Kids:

My parents have decided that they want to watch the kids while I return to work. Save your money, they said, we'll watch them. So far, it's been pretty good. I drop the kids off by 8am and arrive at work by 8:30. If I left work at the time I was supposed to, I'd be back by 4:30 to pick them up. As per #2 above, I was working a few hours of overtime last week, so I haven't exactly established a real routine yet.

I don't want to put my parents out too much, as they're technically not on my payroll, so I try to head over as early as I can get out of work. It's so different than dealing with full-time daycare like I've done in the past. I've decided to give them a monthly allowance, for them to do as they please, just as a little thank you. They're still saving me a ton of money, so what little I can give them, I'm happy. My mom already offered to beat me when I gave her the money. Nice mom, huh? LOL Yet, she hasn't tried to return the money to me since!

4. Half Marathon

Yes, this is still in the works. I have 16 weeks before the BMO Vancouver Marathon on May 2, and if I want to run it, I have to start training. I ran about 50 miles in October, one run in Nov, and about 5 runs early December. I need to build a base before starting my 12 week training in a month. So I've started running at work this week. Work as somewhat leveled off and I can at least find time to hear myself think at my desk! I got myself a locker of my own in the common locker room down the hall, and can make no excuses about getting dressed for a run now.

I ran 3 miles yesterday and 2 miles today. I have another 3 miles to run and a 4-miler for my Long Run on Sundays. I plan to repeat this 3-2-3-4 pattern for the next 4 weeks until my training starts. I have been writing a running blog since I started running again in the Fall, and you can read that here. It's not the best online running blog to use, but it works for now. I've signed up for dailymile.com but haven't used it yet. My current running blog is set on private and I haven't really shared it with anyone, and the dailymile.com site can be linked to Facebook, being touted as a social training log.

Let's hope I can continue with the running and not get injured like I did with shin splints in October!

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That's all I can think of right now to share. I'm sure there are tons of things I could write more about but my head is just fried! I honestly don't know how I will manage all these weeks of waking up early, getting the kids ready, going to work, coming home, racing this way and that for after-school activities, get home, perhaps cook some dinner, wash dishes, prepare for the next day, still have some Me time on my computer, and STILL get a decent night's sleep before starting the whole damn thing over again!

Deep breath...

Being on Maternity Leave

I'm coming up on Month 9 of my maternity leave and although I'm enjoying my time with my little boy, I can't help but start counting down the clock until I return to work on January 4, 2010.

There's something about being distant from my coworkers that leaves me with pangs of jealously. I think of it this way: those folks I worked with day in and day out, even though they aren't officially family, actually are, since, when you think about it, we spend more time together than we do with our spouses. So, to be on maternity leave, and not get any news of how they're doing, what they're up to, how their kids/husbands/girlfriends are doing, leaves me jealous of those that know what's going on.

And I'm not talking gossip. I despise gossip, especially when there's enough office politics to go around already. No, I'm talking hard news.

Case#1: I left on my maternity leave Nov/Dec 2008. By June, my coworker tells me via Facebook she's getting married in November. When I left, she was single, and when she told me she was getting married, I didn't even know she had been dating anyone.

Case#2: I just found out one of them is pregnant again. She just returned to work 3 months ago. When I go back, she might be leaving....or already gone. Again, I don't know details. The person who told me thought I already knew. Nope.

Case#3:The one coworker who sits beside me and spends a bit of time chatting with me is apparently having a lunch thrown for him this month. You'd think he'd told me what's up with that. Again, no word directly from the horse's mouth...same said person in Case #2 tells me this news too, as if I knew what she was talking about. I've since asked for clarification from both of them. No reply, yet, of course.

So, as I'm living the isolated life on this side of the fence, my coworkers world continues to revolve without me. I wonder if I'll even recognize them when I return. I sure won't recognize the lives their leading now.

Good Friends...and a Career Change?

I'm not a social butterfly.

I think it's, in part, due to my introvert nature. I've somewhat come out of that shell-of-a-child I once was and am definitely more comfortable in large groups. However, I'm not one to keep many close to my heart. Other than family, I would say it's pretty difficult for someone to break into my inner circle unless I spend a lot of time with them. Plus I'm big on heart-to-heart talks and being able to share my beefs. Laughs? Most definitely!

My closest and dearest friends are from high school elementary school. With the exception of one friend who I met late in high school (it's like I've known her for way longer!), I've known them since Grade 2, since I moved here from Quebec. Although I don't see them as frequent as others, we make it a point to TRY and get together each month, but in reality it turns out every 4-5 months instead, each of us busy in our careers and family lives.

Last Friday was one such night. We went out for dinner, as we always do, to enjoy good food with good company.

Because there are five of us, it's usually difficult to have one big conversation, depending on how we're arranged at dinner, so most of the time we split in half and have more intimate conversations.

My heart-to-heart was with K this time...and, boy, did she rattle my brain!

I can't quite remember how we got to talking about my job, but we wound up discussing what I would have been, career-wise, if I didn't wind up doing what I do.

Not a lot of people know what I do for a living; not many can describe it. Many simply know that I work in a hospital: some would assume I'm a nurse, while others know that I work in the lab, somewhere. Yes, I'm a medical technologist, not a nurse. Not just any medical technologist but a cytogenetic laboratory technologist.

Say what?

Yup, a mouthful, and I don't usually make it a point to elaborate as much. What do you do for a living? When asked, I just say I work in genetics: most people understand that much, and either are piqued enough to ask more questions or are shell-shocked and carry on to more graspable topics.


[For reference: a cytogenetic technologist analyzes human chromosomes to:

1) determine any abnormalities in unborn children - analysis of amniotic fluid or cord blood
2) determine a cause of recurrent pregnancy loss in infertile couples or individuals - analysis of whole blood
3) diagnose, classify and prognose various tumours or leukemic diseases, like Acute or Chronic Myeloid Leukemia - analysis of bone marrow or bone biopsies]

So, back to my story...

After all these years, K is still surprised that I didn't do a communications degree instead of a science degree. She unabashedly showered me with so many compliments about all the apparent qualities I have with regards to everything media-related -- my love for tech, my writing skills -- that I had to acknowledge that I, too, often wondered why I didn't do a communications degree.

I wouldn't go so far and suggest that I be an anchorwoman, like she suggested (me, on TV? oh, gosh!....) but if I could be a writer...

She proceeded to tell me of a woman she knew of whose job was to simply travel and review spas. Imagine! Getting a massage, trying on mud masques, all for the sake of work? If only...

But I'm too secure in my job to do anything else, much to the chagrin of another friend who insists on not doing anything simply for the benefits. Sure, give me the health and pension benefits of my current job, and I'll do anything more creative, more fulfilling. Don't get me wrong: I like my job, and I think I'm good at what I do, but perhaps, I got to thinking, that there is another job out there for me that I can do better in, comparatively.

I gave a one-hour presentation last year at a scientific conference to 75 peers, and although I shitted bricks leading up to it, the adrenaline pumped right through me and I rocked that presentation.

Sure beat being at a microscope all day!

So although my regrets on not advancing on to medical school are far behind me, perhaps one day I'll find my true calling and end up at my dream job. Who knows if it involves writing for a living. I believe I'm good at what I currently do, although not the best, I admit; maybe I'll eventually find something I'm great at doing, and be better than just good. Perhaps the opportunity will present itself, perhaps not.

Whichever way Life goes, at least my friends give me a good laugh, a different perspective, unfathomable visions and a neverending horizon.

My Baby Shower

Yesterday, my coworkers gave me a baby shower. It has only been 2-1/2 months since I last worked, and only a month and a half since I saw everyone, but it was nice to see those who came, doing what we do best...chit chat and eat!

I miss my coworkers more this time around than I did when I was on my last maternity leave 3 years ago. Then, I just couldn't WAIT to leave, as work and everyone associated with it was getting under my skin. I had already been working for 8 years straight by then, and I was in dire need of a break from work (vacations didn't count!). This time around, three years later, I miss the camaraderie, and even the actual work and deadlines, if you can believe it.

Cute baby clothes aside (and they are sooo cute!), it was just nice to see them, even though I felt like an outsider looking in most of the time.

Ok, back to enjoying the rest of my maternity leave....until Jan 4, 2010!

So Much For The Free Ride....

I'm in deep trouble.

I have a one hour presentation to give in 2 weeks time, to a group of strangers, my peers, and I've just started working on it tonight.

Good God!

Given what I've done so far, what, six PowerPoint slides with corresponding Notes, I'm in deep trouble. I had 6 months to work on this, and now I have 2 weeks (well, actually 1-1/2 weeks, which is when I fly out).

I feel like I'm back in university!

The national society of my profession is holding a Congress in June, at which I had promised to give a lecture. I thought, hell, I get free airfare, free accommodation, and free one-day registration to the Congress, and a Speaker's Gift, for contributing to my profession. Turns out that the provincial society, of which I'm a Board of Director, has also decided to attend the Congress, at the cost of the Society, with transportation and hotel and 4-day registration for the whole Congress. I could've gotten the whole kit and caboodle WITHOUT giving the damn lecture! And to top it off, I don't even get my one-night allowance in my own hotel room, since the Board members are bunking in pairs.

So much for the free ride! That Speaker's Gift better be a damn good gift!

T minus 8 days!