End of an Era...Sort Of.

And.....SEND!

"No more school, no more books, no more teachers, dirty looks!"

Kinda.....for now.

Having had one more paper left hanging from my last class that ended in December, I finally polished it off and hit that SEND button just minutes ago.

My last paper for the year.

As I breathe heavily and glance soulfully at the papers and textbooks strewn around me, I try to collect my feelings of.....accomplishment?  Of dread? Of forlornness?

My feelings are mixed: like waiting for the other shoe to drop, I'm waiting for the jubilee I expected from completing my final assignment before my pending maternity leave from work and school, but it's just not coming.  It's like I'm missing something: is it a fear? A fear of a lack of purpose in life?  Perhaps not a fear of a lack of purpose but perhaps a fear of being rejected from the life I knew, a built-up, dream-like state of academia life and being lost within my real reality, of family and obligations.

Is that wrong?

School will be there for me next January when I resume my degree, and although it's difficult to envision now, next January will come around so fast I'll likely be cursing the passage of time and longingly look back to what the future holds for me today.

So, as parallelisms go, as I gather my papers and close my books, I end another chapter in my life and open another one.  Instead of going to classes, taking notes, writing papers, one thing that will remain the same are my group projects, albeit of a different kind.

My group will now consist of my husband, my two little boys and my new little girl who arrives in 3 weeks, and my new projects will be more colourful, likely messy and dysfunctional, and most definitely more satisfying than I could possibly imagine.

Another Challenge...Will It Ever End?

I've spent much of the past 10 months studying my way through my first year of my Master's degree, and it's almost sucked my life dry.  I've been challenged to the nth degree and have faced many bang-my-head-against-the-wall moments, writing papers, exams, group projects, questioning my very  existence between this rock and that hard place.

Although my first-year classes finished last weekend, and I'm almost over this academic Matterhorn, save for four papers to write between now and July 22nd, I'm finding my challenges have only yet begun.

I'm pregnant.

Yes, a shock for you, but if only I could have Instagram'ed my stark realization of my apparent disbelief could you truly appreciate the shock value it held for me.

If you knew me, you'd know I'm all about logistics: how things get done, when, how long, who, what, where, when, how....you get the drill.  Like a seasoned army general, I plan for the expected and the unexpected, forging my blueprints for appropriateness, completeness, finesse....

....this wasn't in the plan.

And before you barrage me with the whole "did you use protection?" debate, may I comment that this is a moot point, considering that I/we don't remember the what/where/when.  (Frankly, it's unfortunate, seeing we may have actually had a great time with the "how", but I guess that's what happens when priorities lie elsewhere.)

So, out goes the plan on losing the extra 15 lbs that snuck up on me on my Freshman-15. Much of my time now is preoccupied with deciding if I'm nauseous because of eating too much or eating too little.  My 9-week belly is growing at such a supernatural rate, I may be forced to blow my cover sooner than later, at the risk of being called bloated or, gasp, fat. (Who am I kidding: I'm already there. Ugh.)

Baby #3 (or affectionately referred to as, Better-Be-A-Girl by hubby) is definitely going to rock my world for the next few months.  Going to class on weekends, completing coursework, going to work full-time, two kids + one, if you include hubby, all while completing a thesis, nursing/pumping/insomnia, etc, etc....

While challenging, I find myself blessed to have found myself in this situation.  Actually, I find it slightly humourous, though perhaps this laughing gas I'm breathing will eventually wear off and I'll find myself needing oxygen instead. Until then, I'll keep chuckling away to keep my spirits up, shaking my head in disbelief to this cockamamie brick wall I keep running into. 

Damn logistics.  Good thing this ain't a real war.

An Update...and a New Blog

I really should have kept up with my blog....but haven't. Things have been crazy in the past, what 5 months?

First is first, I'm updating this blog to include my posts from blog.com, just so you know a little bit more about myself, and that, in fact, I have been a regular blogger, just not recently. So, if you check back often, you'll find more of my older posts flooding in, as I import my other blog in, starting from the oldest post.

Where to start? Hmmm...let's itemize some categories:

Pregnancy: I'm no longer pregnant! No, not a miscarriage...I actually gave birth in December to a 6 lb, 15 oz baby boy we named Braden Daniel. Yes, another boy...I guess I should hide the pink sleeper I brought to the hospital (I was so sure it was going to be a girl this time!). His big brother loves him dearly, though he's acting up a lot more than he used to. (And with him almost 4 years old, I fear I'll be the only mom on the planet who hasn't been able to potty train by 4!) Other than lack of sleep, and feeling fat (more on that later), I'm relatively happy and content to have another beautful baby to take care of. In regards to his "big feet"....they're a little big, but nothing that would take you aback. Maybe I'll post a pic sometime, of Braden, and not of his feet. If you want to read up on my pregnancy blog, password is vancouverbaby. I still have to post my birth story, so if you're looking for it, check again later.



re.edit. here's the pic I promised...ain't he cute?





Weight Gain: I gained 40 lbs during the pregnancy, again. It's almost 2 months later and I still have 30 lbs to lose. Not that I've been doing anything to help it along. I've used my dad's treadmill once, watched a Turbo Jams exercise video (I'm reviewing it....so I can try it out later, when I have time!), walked around the neighbourhood a couple of times. Nothing strenuous, so obviously there will be no drastic weight loss...yet. I am, however, supporting my husband as he's on his 2nd week of P90X. Ok, it's not the same as actually doing the program, but my heart's in it, and I'll follow it sometime soon too.

House Painting: Got the house painted a muted heritage green with "beigey" trim and dark red doors. Looks like a heritage house now, quite nice I think. I'll post a pic if anyone wants to see it.

Photography: I haven't done much with my Canon 20D. I received a 50mm prime lens for Christmas from my sis and bro, and practiced a bit with it. No serious photos taken yet. I hope the weather warms up so that I can take some nice outdoor shots.

I thought I would have a lot more to write about the last 5 months, but I guess I don't. I swear it was more interesting than this, but I guess that's what I get for not blogging more frequently. Now that I"ve transferred my old blog over, I can "start fresh", and build this blog up to what I envisioned it to be. It will remain called "The Mystery Of Me", because, frankly, I haven't figured myself out yet. I still hope to discover that along the way. Join me?

My Ultrasound

I had my detailed ultrasound last Friday, on August 1, after trying for a few weeks to bump it up in the schedule. My original appointment was for August 7, but I'd be pushing 23 weeks. I managed to get it rescheduled, so now I was just approaching 22 weeks. Not much difference, but I wanted to see how the baby was doing.

My appointment was at 8:30 in the morning. Good, only because it's out of the way, and I have the rest of the day to do other things (like get a massage!), but bad, because that meant my day had to start by 6am so that I can get 2 big glasses of water in me by 6:30 (you need a full bladder for a proper ultrasound, and you can't go to the bathroom after downing the water!). Unfortunately, I couldn't sleep past 4:45 am, so my day started way earlier than I expected.

The family and I got to our appointment early. I went in first, which the hubby and the kid were in the waiting room. I must have been in there for 20 minutes or so until it was ok for them to come in and view the baby.

She shows us the obvious traits: head, arms, nose, neck. Very quick, too quick, if you ask me. Then I was finally asked to completely empty my bladder in the washroom while she went off doing what she needed to do. It took her FOREVER to report back to us in the room. I was getting anxious. Did she find something abnormal? Is she having further consultations with the doctors? Is she trying to figure out how to break something to us?

So, FINALLY, so comes back into the room after 10 minutes of waiting for her. She starts to close the door behind her while she asks, Did you have your Triple Screen? Ohmygod, why is she asking?!? Uh, yeah, it came back negative, I reply. Hold on, she says flustered, and leaves the room abruptly, closing the door behind her.

Ohmygod!

What? my husband asks. I explain to him that she wouldn't have rushed out of the room like that if she seemed alarmed at me having a negative Triple Screen. That means she found something abnormal that the Triple Screen test didn't pick up (for all those who don't know, the Triple Screen, aka Quad Screen, aka Maternal Serum Screen, is a blood test that screens for several select abnormalities like Trisomy 21, 18,13, spina bifida, Turners. It's not fool-proof, with many false positives, but also some false negatives). Calm down, there must be a rational explanation.

So, again, she FINALLY breezes back in and exclaims, ok, everything's fine! Uh, really? I thought. What was that earlier then? Then she asks, did your son have big feet? Uh, I came here for my previous ultrasound, and they never said anything, so I don't think so. Oh, ok...she says that she had taken a long time because I was trying to get measurements of the baby's feet. They are large....but not that they're going to be GIANT or anything (at this point, she chuckles) but everything else is fine.

Big feet. Ok, I'm trying to quickly recall from my experience at work, is big feet a marker for anything abnormal? I asked to confirm that other than big feet, there's nothing else wrong. She said everything else was fine.

She then quickly proceeded to hand out two profile pictures of the baby and then one on just the foot, sole facting the camera. It is rather big, but there's no other body part in the picture to relate it to.

Hmm. I left the clinic feeling neither happy or sad. Confused I think is more accurate.

Well, I can't be too worried right now. I'll have my next prenatal appointment in 3 weeks.

Massage

I went in for my prenatal massage at Soma Studio, a place specializing in pregnancy massage.

Having never been there before, it's in a strange, artsy building, like a condo development, but everything's made up of metal. The open-air stairwells, outside walls and doors were all metallic. Neat port-holes in elevator. All the bronze and the neutrals gave me an eerie feeling like I was on the set of Waterworld. Alas, no sign of Kevin Costner around.

The suite's entrance was pretty indescript. Save for the small signage on the door, I would've sworn I had the wrong place, and would end up knocking on the residential door of someone named Uma, Rainbow or Cosmo.

I met my RMT (Registered Massage Therapist), Ateshia, at the desk: tall, blond, leggy, young, beautiful, of course all of the above, a sharp contrast to my older, short, fat, dark-haired self.

She showed me to my room. In for a 1-hour massage, I quickly settled myself face down on the table after she left the room briefly, anxious to see if my sore back could be relieved. Bolsters were set up for my chest and hips, leaving a space between to accomodate my swollen belly.

The room was small, perhaps 7x10, with a tiny, pretty concrete patio beyond the floor-to-ceiling glass sliding door, adorned with a small fountain, climbing ivys and other greenery and a few token zen Buddhist items. The Granville St bridge traffic was audible, but not overbearing. New age music emanated from a small stereo behind me.

Despite her appearance (looks CAN be deceiving), Ateshia is stronger than she looks. I consider myself to have a high pain tolerance but almost gave in a few times under her brute strength. I'll surely bruise later.

She worked on my calves and hips, and then on my back, shoulders and neck. I'm sure she could tell I tensed up a few times, my body shocked from her amazonian strength.

When the massage was complete, energized isn't the word I'd use. Peaceful? Maybe. Sore? Definitely. Calm? Yes, a much needed sense of warmth.

I made another appointment with her the following week, figuring a massage is ALWAYS a good idea, pregnant or not, if you can get it. My Extended Health covers most of it, so as I see it, it would be a crime NOT to take advantage of the System.

Being pregnant offers a chance to splurge and spoil myself. I could get used to this!

Pregnancy So Far

I'll be 19 weeks tomorrow!

People have asked me how I'm doing with the pregnancy. I tell people I feel fat. More recently, now, I do feel more pregnant but every bit as fat. I'm definitely showing now, no denying it. I just hope I don't gain too much weight in the long run.

Yes, I know I'm supposed to gain weight, and "Eat For Two". But, really, folks, I'm only supposed to eat an extra 300 calories a day. What's that equivalent to? I found these yummy looking recipes that I think I"ll have to try.

My tummy fat has created a belly that now feels huge. I guess I'll have to expect to get bigger, and get used to it. Being pregnant the second time around is so different!

The first time around, you're excited about everything changing, not knowing what to expect, the fear, the joy, etc. The next time around, you just want to get it over with, and start rearing this kid NOW! Family dynamics change too, when adding an extra kid. I'd rather just start dealing with all that and not the incessant waddling that comes with being pregnant, and feeling like you've got indigestion all day, when you really don't because you haven't eaten and it's actually time to eat again.

I may not update everyone about my pregnancy here all the time, but you can go to my dedicated Babies Online website dedicated to Baby #2 here. Email me for the password.

On the exercise front, I've managed to plug into, twice, my Leisa Hart's Pregnancy Workout, and salsa-danced my way to a healthier me. I'm not there yet, ha, but I'm trying. I've gone for one 2-km walk with the family, but that probably won't happen again, at least not with them, since the last 1/4 km, my husband practically carried my 3-year-old home because he was tired walking. (who can blame him?). Maybe I'll find time to go by myself. I"m trying to remain optimistic!

Sleeping at night is a drag sometimes; sleeping on my left side ALL THE TIME is starting to take its toll. I wake up all crampy and tight. Sometimes in the morning I roll over to my right side and sigh a great relief of comfort...but only for a little while I do the same when I succumb to lying on my back for a bit. AHHH! Something about the baby having poor circulation while on my back or right side.....that just sucks! Part of the reason why I wake up in the middle of the night (like right now!) and find it difficult to go back to sleep. I got my handy ergonomic pillow between my knees to take off the minor back pain!

I can't think right now...I need a midnight snack. Ok, it's more like 2 am. Darn, I ate all my English Cream crackers, and I've got no more cream cheese. Bread? I think we're out. I think I have some watermelon that's still good. Maybe some cheese? The havarti hasn't molded, but haven't checked out the cheddar recently.

I really need to go grocery shopping!

Tub Of Lard

I'm not talking about baking, here....I'm gaining weight, fast!

I had my second prenatal appointment yesterday. Standard weigh-in and urine test.

Cut to the chase, I gained 8 pounds since my last appointment 4 weeks ago. Not good! My doctor casually asked if I had been exercising, and I gave her the usual sorry excuses: I have no time, I'm feeling tired these days, and my tendency to fight apparent nausea with a mouthful of food. Yeah, that's got to change, I know that. She said, in not so many words (but I know this is what she really wanted to say), is I'll be close to 200 pounds if I don't cut it out.

Ouch!

So, reflecting on this during late-night TV, I decided to get off my ass and "review" that prenatal yoga DVD I bought for the first pregnancy 4 years ago. Yeah, it's not P90X, but it's all I have at home (ok, I DO have an actual pregnancy workout DVD, but I didn't particularly feel like salsa-dancing after midnight, and expect to get an immediate good-night's rest).

I gave myself 10 minutes, then 20, then 30, then thought, just do the whole damn thing, it's not like it's strenuous!

Sure it didn't get my heart thumping, but I got some good stretches in. Something's better than nothing!

I'll be active, starting tomorrow. I'll play around with the little one to tired myself out, and then some. Yes, I say tomorrow will be Day 1, since I can't very well call today A New Day, since I did eat 2 left over smokies for lunch, had a mini 4" pizza for dinner, and I just snacked on some salty popcorm Twists.

Yes, Tomorrow......

You're the First To Know, if you RSS my blog.

I'm going perform a mini social experiment here and see if I get any responses.

I'm officially telling the world that I'm pregnant. As readers of my blog, you are the first to know, other than immediate family.

I've unrestricted my last few posts so my blog can be read in its entirety.

If I hear back from some of my close friends and family, that they've read my blog and they congratulate me, then I'll know that they still take the time to care what I'm up to.

Let the games begin!

Feeling Fat

I'm so getting bigger during this pregnancy, I can feel it!

So, I won't be one of those cute, dainty, preggie ladies, who don't gain much weight except for baby. No. With all this nausea and thinking I'm hungry but at the same time, not really, I'm going to gain a shitload of weight this time around.

And to think I managed to tip the scale at 121 in March, after all my 6-day per week exercise jaunts, well before I got the flu in the March, and, well, add the Vegas trip afterwards....I'm totally surprised I'm not at 130 lbs yet. I've been hovering around 127 lbs but I feel like 140! I kid you not!

It's getting harder and harder to keep this pregnancy under wraps, even though I'm only 10-11 weeks along. Just how can anyone hide a pregnancy for the whole nine months without family finding out is so beyond me! How is that even possible?!? I guess only on Jerry Springer!

So, if you're managing to read this post, you are either one of my "friends" on blog.com and are a priviledged insider or I've personally told you that I'm pregnant. Consider yourself lucky to be in the club. Hopefully I'll be able to spill the beans in a couple of weeks.

Pomelo-flavoured Menthos

Morning sickness sucks!

I'm into, what, my 8th or 9th week of pregnancy now, and I forgot about the dreaded morning sickness. I don't remember having it this bad!

I wake up, I'm sick, I go to bed, I'm sick, and all in between, I'm sick too.

I dry heaved a couple of times on the weekend, but I'm such a phobic when it comes to puking, I didn't go through with it. I feel nauseous all the time, but it's not the same as my motion sickness I get when I'm in the rear of a car or van; I don't have headaches. Just this retching feeling.

Ugh!

I searched high and low for something to soothe me last night....ginger, mints, teas. Found none of that. All I found were some pomelo-flavoured Menthos my mom gave me last year from her overseas trip to Asia. Well, they were minty and had a slight sour flavour, being pomelo (never heard of them - think super large, gigantic grapefruit, but a tinge sweeter).

I sucked on about 5 or 6 while browsing the web for more morning sickness cures, and finally giving up, while I was trying to drown myself to sleep over the nausea.

Thanks, Mom, for the Menthos! I managed some rest last night...today is another story!

Hmm...really? Can't be...

...pregnant....yes, it's true...at least, I think.

My period hasn't come in about two weeks, and I thought this was getting ridiculous! Then I got to thinking, maybe, just maybe, I'm pregnant. Hmm, when would that have happened? I can't even, honestly, think that far back! LOL

So the first day of my last period was Feb 28. I went to Vegas between Mar 21 to Mar 25, which was when I expected to ovulate. I think (!) I did the deed before then, but I do know I did it once after then too. But I have long cycles (about 33-35 days long), so I'm trying to convince myself I got pregnant after the Vegas trip (if I'm pregnant at all!)

Let's back track as to why I need to determine when I got pregnant: I drank a lot in Vegas. Not once, but several times. Got drunk that first night, but not so much the other night but I think it's mainly because I didn't drink fast. But either way, I still drank a tall vodka cranberry on April 4, so I'm not completely in the clear.

So, yeah, I think I'm pregnant. I went out on Tuesday to buy a pregnancy test at the drugstore, and, in all honesty, I only bought it because it was the cheapest one on the shelf, at almost half price at $12. Considering I was hoping it wouldn't be positive, I wasn't worried about the quality of the sticks!

I didn't take the test right away, but should have because I went out to dinner and was feeling really, really guilty about taking some sips of red wine. I must have had about 6-10 sips before I passed it over to my cousin and told her (and the rest of the table) that I bought pregnancy tests and probably shouldn't drink anymore.

So I finally took it that night. Instructions are to pee for 5 seconds, no more, no less, and wait 2 minutes before reading the window. If you see a "+" then it's positive.

I saw a + right away, as I was counting the 5 seconds, and while I placed the cap back on, and while I laid it flat on the bathroom counter. I walked to the livingroom to sit down for the 2 minutes, then came back to the bathroom to read the instructions on how to interpret the results.

The kicker was the sentence "it doesn't matter if the lines of the + sign are different intensities", with the graphic showing the different appearances of the + sign. Mine matches the first example they showed for a positive result: dark vertical line, fainter horizontal line.



Shit.

My husband came out of my son's bedroom after putting him to sleep and I called him in the bathroom to interpret the result. He'd never make it as a woman: he couldn't even understand the instructions!

We gingerly high-fived each other, as our faces remained twisted with fear, mine more so than his (actually, mine a lot more!). I've been drinking here and there, I haven't been taking my prenatal pills religiously, I can't fly out to my cousin's wedding in November before the start of my third trimester, I've been eating either horribly, too much, or starving myself, and to top it all off, I'm terribly dehydrated because I drink more coffee than water.

What a great start, Kid!

I have an appointment with my family doctor today at 3:45 to confirm my results, and if it's true, how far along I am, if she can do an ultrasound.

And today is my birthday too. How's that for a surprise?

Pregnancy

Today I found out that my cousin is expecting her second child. She and I were pregnant at the same time back in 2004/2005, where in April 5 she gave birth to her daughter and on April 10, I gave birth to my son. We were the first ones on the that side of the family to start the next generation, so the pregnancies were buzzing with excitement.

My cousin is due in September. I'm happy for her, truly I am. There were speculations and predictions of sorts (old wives tales and other foolery) suggesting that she'll have only one child. I'm happy that's not the case. I'd hate to have been pidgeonholed like that, like fate.

However, it's like I'm missing something here. Like I mentioned earlier, I was questioning when to have another baby. My son will be 4 next year. I definitely don't want him to be much older before having a second. But it's like I'm ready....yet not ready.

One of my good friends gave birth to her first child, a boy, this past week. Through unfortunate circumstances, we haven't had much opportunity to spend time together while she was pregnant, so I didn't really get to enjoy her pregnancy with her. I have yet to see her, but have wished her well with the new addition. I'm sure more pangs of mommyhood will hit me then.

But, getting back to why I'm not ready. Many reasons.

Number one reason: I'm not ready to get fat again. Look, I don't care what people say about you where you're pregnant. You're glowing! You look wonderful! How beautiful! My ass, I'm beautiful! Rotund, pot-bellied, wide-load, jabba-the-hut all come to mind instead. Gimme a break. I'll never get to be one of the women who look still ungodly beautiful and thin while pregnant. (Ok, so I'm not ungodly beautiful and so much thin right now, but follow me on this...). Or one of those women who bounce back to paper thin normalness after a couple of months after birth. I'm destined to be fighting pregnancy flab until the NEXT kid after that, if I ever get around to the third kid I thought I'd always have.

I'm just about enjoying the most normal body I've had in 3.5 years. I've done a couple of bootcamps and have been hitting the gym everyday for the past couple of weeks, and I am still not happy with my body. Granted, I've always been unhappy with my scale and my thunder thighs and flabby arms, but now I've got that and an added muffin top that I never had to deal with before (I had a 25 inch waist at one point....I'd be lucky if I can get under 30 before I cave in to pregnancy).

I said there are a number of reasons. But they're all shadowed by the fact that I don't want to get fat. I'm not ready yet. I need more skinny time! But my son does need a playmate desperately...I can't be playing livingroom hockey with him forever!