Reflections, Part II

Midnight.

I should be sleeping but I have to finish the reflections I started a couple of months ago, as tomorrow is the day I return to work.

I hoped tomorrow hadn't crept up so soon.

Am I ready to return to work? The tangible things aside (my lunch, extra utensils for my desk, a dozen chocolate chip cookies for the coworkers), I'm as prepared mentally as I figured I allowed myself.  I refuse to be ready to return, but aim for "adequately anxious".

Despite having an infant in the house, I actually have been extremely lucky to have been able to sleep in on most occasions, even after being rudely awoken at 4am. This past week alone I haven't been up before 9am; I don't know if I can get up at 6:30 every morning from now on.

It is what is it.

I hope that I have the strength to balance my life from hereon in.  Work. School. Family. A work-life balance will mean a lot more to me than it ever will, and I hope I don't lose perspective on what really counts in life.

Reflections, Part I

Tonight's one of those late nights where the mind wanders and the inner spirit tremors with worry, with trepidation.  So many times I've wanted to write, yet so many times it's been easier to wrap myself in my blanket, close my eyes and wish for my mind to clear and allow myself some calm wave of inner peace.

Not tonight.

Where do I begin? To look ahead to the future would be just to look at my past.  What has happened within the past year?

My little girl is about to turn 9 months this week, and I'm not kidding when time really does fly by. She's a real beauty, at least I'm reassured by others, and we all love her to pieces. Not to belittle the presence of my two older boys, but she has made our lives complete, filling me with pensive joy even when I'm on Hour 2 of rocking her to sleep because she needed the extra comfort. Jokes on her when it is really I who needs the comfort, and I'm glad to hold her a little bit longer in the darkness of her room.

I'll be returning to work in a couple of months, two months early (who's counting? I am.) Financially, it's the most logical choice, but emotionally it's been a battle.  Loving this little girl, holding her with me all day, knowing this will likely be the last child I will bear as I approach my 40's, I don't want to let go. As much as I could never be a stay-at-home mother, it is essentially that which I seemed to have enjoyed these past few months. I wished the hiatus would last as long as allowed but I'd be lying to myself that we wouldn't be crushed financially by doing so.  Partly to blame could be my husband who decided to start his own plumbing business when I was pregnant (self-employment isn't exactly lucrative, yet, anyways), but I can't fault what we agreed upon as a couple --through thick and thin, richer or poorer. No, it is what it is. We want the house, we gotta pay for it.  We'll need a larger vehicle, and I haven't found anyone giving any of those away for free. Not to mention the kids' winter and spring hockey seasons (nevermind the hubby's), going back to work early should be a no-brainer.  But no one ever said that I didn't have to go back feeling happy about it.

I'll also be returning to my Masters degree program in January.  Scared shitless? Uh huh. It was hard enough heading back to school after 15 years. I persevered and had many late nights reading, typing papers, finishing projects, and by the time I took my leave from school, I had at least an 80% average. How the hell am I supposed to do that again? I don't know if I have enough juice in me to tackle another 8 courses and a thesis (don't get me started on that! Unless you have an idea for a topic!). Life is different now compared to a year ago. People said I'm crazy for being a mom, working full time and going to school. Yep, I am, I'd say, and would have probably elbowed you to the wall and ask if you had a problem with that. Ask me today and likely I'd likely bow my head and feel the self-doubts fill my throat and teary eyes swell as I cower away. I won't know my new cohort, and I imagine the half year of school I do have left will be spent in a virtual isolation booth, with no one to commiserate with,  no one to rely on for help. So wants to help a "mother" (gasp!) in the classroom? Not these young, enthusiastic, twenty-somethings I heard this cohort mostly consists of.

But not all my days are filled with this dread and forlorness. In anticipation of returning back to my old self, my old life, I've been running more and watching my eating habits, to fit into my old clothes again.  I can breathe better, deeper, now, especially after a long run. Many people hate running because it's hard, but ironically it's because it's hard that I find running appealing.  The mental challenge of the repetitiveness pushes me, the monotony of my breathing speaks rhythms to my mind. In the last 50 days, I've lost 11 pounds. And I can, for the most part, fit back into my jeans I used to wear before I was pregnant. Not one to shy away from challenges (obviously), I have another 10 pounds on my radar, 15, tops.

Fast forward to January 6, 2014's post....as my reflections on this night kept me away from completion....

Happy Birthday, Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,

Today you were born.

If my life wasn't so blessed already with your two brothers and your daddy, one might say that there was no void for you to fill.  But my life is made more blessed with your presence, your little light.

I wonder what you have in store for us....I wonder what we have in store for you.  We've never had a little princess before, and that is what you shall remain in both your daddy's eyes and mine.

We love you and can't be more happier than we are today.

Mommy and Daddy,
February 1st, 2013

End of an Era...Sort Of.

And.....SEND!

"No more school, no more books, no more teachers, dirty looks!"

Kinda.....for now.

Having had one more paper left hanging from my last class that ended in December, I finally polished it off and hit that SEND button just minutes ago.

My last paper for the year.

As I breathe heavily and glance soulfully at the papers and textbooks strewn around me, I try to collect my feelings of.....accomplishment?  Of dread? Of forlornness?

My feelings are mixed: like waiting for the other shoe to drop, I'm waiting for the jubilee I expected from completing my final assignment before my pending maternity leave from work and school, but it's just not coming.  It's like I'm missing something: is it a fear? A fear of a lack of purpose in life?  Perhaps not a fear of a lack of purpose but perhaps a fear of being rejected from the life I knew, a built-up, dream-like state of academia life and being lost within my real reality, of family and obligations.

Is that wrong?

School will be there for me next January when I resume my degree, and although it's difficult to envision now, next January will come around so fast I'll likely be cursing the passage of time and longingly look back to what the future holds for me today.

So, as parallelisms go, as I gather my papers and close my books, I end another chapter in my life and open another one.  Instead of going to classes, taking notes, writing papers, one thing that will remain the same are my group projects, albeit of a different kind.

My group will now consist of my husband, my two little boys and my new little girl who arrives in 3 weeks, and my new projects will be more colourful, likely messy and dysfunctional, and most definitely more satisfying than I could possibly imagine.

Another Challenge...Will It Ever End?

I've spent much of the past 10 months studying my way through my first year of my Master's degree, and it's almost sucked my life dry.  I've been challenged to the nth degree and have faced many bang-my-head-against-the-wall moments, writing papers, exams, group projects, questioning my very  existence between this rock and that hard place.

Although my first-year classes finished last weekend, and I'm almost over this academic Matterhorn, save for four papers to write between now and July 22nd, I'm finding my challenges have only yet begun.

I'm pregnant.

Yes, a shock for you, but if only I could have Instagram'ed my stark realization of my apparent disbelief could you truly appreciate the shock value it held for me.

If you knew me, you'd know I'm all about logistics: how things get done, when, how long, who, what, where, when, how....you get the drill.  Like a seasoned army general, I plan for the expected and the unexpected, forging my blueprints for appropriateness, completeness, finesse....

....this wasn't in the plan.

And before you barrage me with the whole "did you use protection?" debate, may I comment that this is a moot point, considering that I/we don't remember the what/where/when.  (Frankly, it's unfortunate, seeing we may have actually had a great time with the "how", but I guess that's what happens when priorities lie elsewhere.)

So, out goes the plan on losing the extra 15 lbs that snuck up on me on my Freshman-15. Much of my time now is preoccupied with deciding if I'm nauseous because of eating too much or eating too little.  My 9-week belly is growing at such a supernatural rate, I may be forced to blow my cover sooner than later, at the risk of being called bloated or, gasp, fat. (Who am I kidding: I'm already there. Ugh.)

Baby #3 (or affectionately referred to as, Better-Be-A-Girl by hubby) is definitely going to rock my world for the next few months.  Going to class on weekends, completing coursework, going to work full-time, two kids + one, if you include hubby, all while completing a thesis, nursing/pumping/insomnia, etc, etc....

While challenging, I find myself blessed to have found myself in this situation.  Actually, I find it slightly humourous, though perhaps this laughing gas I'm breathing will eventually wear off and I'll find myself needing oxygen instead. Until then, I'll keep chuckling away to keep my spirits up, shaking my head in disbelief to this cockamamie brick wall I keep running into. 

Damn logistics.  Good thing this ain't a real war.

When The Going Gets Tough...

I threw in the towel today.

As much as I refuse to admit defeat and use the words, "I surrender", I did just that.

I surrendered.

I surrender to the expections I have placed on myself to being everything to everybody.

I surrender to the unexpected events I have endured, worrying about the what-ifs that would've changed things and the what-ifs that may never be.

I surrender to the facade of being a good mother, in the face of actually being a good mother.

I surrender to what is left of me.

I have been forced to realize the status of my self-being: being suddenly deprived of everything I sought so hard to achieve, yet also feeling that perhaps I had never achieved anything in the first place.

So I'm taking a time-out, a "forced" (tell me, who admits defeat, willingly?) "medically-supervised" (read: borderline clinical depression) leave-of-absence from my job, so I can re-focus, re-adjust, refine and re-find my mind, body, spirit because, somewhere, I lost myself.

Where am I?

As I stood in the hallway of my doctor's office, staring out the tower window looking down on the street below, I contemplated what a leave-of-absence meant.

Defeat.

Weakness.

Incapable.

Failure.

Surely others have way more on their shoulders, yet why can I not do the same: grin and bear it?

So, I will take these next few weeks to gather my wits, "take a breather", learn to de-multitask, and focus on spending some time mending my spirit.

But in true Cheryl-style, to add insult to injury, I came across a book today, and I couldn't decide whether to throw it against a wall or curl up with it. It was a book on highly successful career-driven women and how they balance work and family. I bought it. If it's a secret, I do want in. But I'm not sure I'm ready to tackle my issues just yet, so this book will likely remain decoration on my nightstand, to taunt me, perhaps, or maybe it'll sink into my subconscious during sleep and then I'll finally know....

Back To School!

"Congratulations!"

And with that, my life has been uprooted again.

I have been accepted into grad school!



A solemn acceptance of my fate ahead was sealed as I read my offer of admission via email last Thursday. I actually got in, unconditionally; my file at The Faculty of Graduate Studies is considered complete. I don't have to write the GMAT...all I have to do is say yes.

It took me 8 days to reply to the Faculty of Medicine (from which the MHA is being offered). I needed time to assess what a Yes meant for me, my family, and life as I knew it.

Saying yes meant I would be immediately broke starting September.
Saying yes meant moving into a bigger home would likely have to be put on hold.
Saying yes meant I would be spending less time with family.
Saying yes meant I would be stressing out a lot more than I already do (I'm anticipating meds.)

Saying yes meant I would not add Child #3 to my family....for now.

I'm ok with the first four points. The last point was a little bit hard to face.

But, you know, I have to remain firm in my belief that what is meant to be will be. Life is too short to be wondering about the what ifs.

Eight days later, and I believe.

I could've dissected this decision to apply to grad school with a finer-toothed comb, but it's because I believe in the fate that leads me, I'll be ok.

And so goes my reply... "I am writing to inform you that I happily accept the offer of admission granted by The Faculty of Graduate Studies and I am extremely excited to be entering the MHA program in September 2011."

I need another sip of my Malibu sitting beside me: it's finally kicking in.

Cheers to the long 2 year ride ahead!

A Red, Pink and Blonde Valentine's

I've never been much into Valentine's Day. Just another commercial day to force you to acknowledge those who love you. Ok, to remind you might be a more diplomatic term. (Did I mention I got a paper shredder one year from my husband? I try not to read between the lines if I can help it).

Yesterday, while I didn't do anything to acknowledge the day (I wore black , coincidentally), my two little men each gave me a long-stemmed rose that they picked out themselves...red and pink.

And Hubby surprised me with tickets to Legally Blonde: The Musical!

I love this musical....the music is catchy, and I've been wanting to see this for a while. I DID have to go online and pick out the seats I wanted. AND because I'm an email subscriber to Broadway Across Canada, I had a promo code for $45 Orchestra seats ($30 off!). He was going to pay $122US/ticket but thought I should pick the seats I want so I had to go online and buy them first, and good thing: he was on the venue's ticketing site, and not Ticketmaster (who DOESN'T go through Ticketmaster?)

So, I saved him a bundle, I get to Go Pink, and life just became peachy again!

I Tweet Too Much

That's my problem.


I've largely ignored my blog due to Twitter. For those who are on Twitter, you know what I'm talking about. There's no commitment to the tweets you make: they're random, tangent, in-the-moment, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of comments. And I'm very random.

I'm sort of a perfectionist, especially when it comes to my writing. That's where this blog takes an exit: my life right now is far from being perfect and I'm constantly trying to find this balance I'm yearning for, and I'm not there yet. Writing should be comforting for me, and it is, but I'm finding I do not have the time to commit to such a project. I prefer to write than to blog, and I'm thinking my definition of the two should be more similar than I let on.

So that being said, I'm going to try and blog more than tweet. Ok, a half-baked lie, since tweeting on a Blackberry is way more easier than blogging, but I'm going to try.

Here's ANOTHER update to complement my latest tweets....


1. Grad school

Yes, I'm apparently going through an early mid-life crisis and have decided that it's time to go back to school. Frankly, I'm fed up with the sh!t I put up with at work and figured there's a lot more to life than staring down a microscope and listening to my coworkers bitch about the bureaucracy and each other. And the only way I'm going to make more money than my current salary is if I move into management of some kind.

Enter grad school.

I was considering an MBA but instead of giving up the "wealth" (haha!) of knowledge I've learned from being in the health care sector, I'm going to try my hand at getting in the MHA program instead (Master of Health Administration). It's also cheaper, by about half ($30K!). This is an executive-style program, meaning I can still work full-time, pay for my mortgage, and still study my way out of my current job.

So far, I've put in my online application, created my CV, and told my three referees about sending in their Letters of Reference. All I've really got to work on for the next week is my Letter of Intent, where I outline why I should be allowed into the program and how I see it fit in my career goals.

I haven't started yet simply because "making more money and getting the hell out" of working in a laboratory doesn't seem to be convincing enough. I'm working on more tangible reasons. :)

And, in the meantime, I also have to start studying for this GMAT exam that I may have to challenge. I've bought all the books I need to study, yet, hoping against hope, that I'll be given a waiver to not write (long story, but there's a stipulation in the admissions policy that could be in my favour).

So, in true procrastination, the following has occupied my past few days...


2. MAC and Other Lemmings

I've always been in makeup, being gifted my first Cover Girl lipstick in Frosted Rose when I was 14. But, lately, past few years, I've been practically obsessed with it! I have some posts in this blog under the tagline "makeup" you can search for, if you're interested.

So I won't go into great detail, as this blog is not a true beauty blog (there are many out there that do a FANTASTIC job at this) but I'm been wanting, begging, pleading for some decent eye brushes. I just picked up a 224, a tapered blending brush, but really wanted the discontinued 226 for creasework. My wish list: 217, 219, 239, 208, 249. I'd march right down to my local MAC counter and buy these all if it weren't for the awesome Canadian dollar...If I bought all these on the US website and have them shipped to just across the border my fave US-parcel-pickup, I'd save enough money to get another brush free! I paid $35 CAD for the 224 and it only cost about $25 US! Gah!

And I "lucked" out going to MAC yesterday for the launch of the Wonder Woman collection (I say lucked tongue-in-cheek because it's not so lucky how much I ended up spending!). I didn't think I'd like any of the product, purposeful avoiding all the online reviews, but I ended up testing Marquise'D (lipstick), Emancipation (Lip Glass), and Mighty Aphrodite (duo blush). I ended up liking Mighty Aphrodite so much by the end of the day, I called my MAC counter 10 minutes before closing and asked them to put it on hold for me until my makeover consult (*sigh*) next Saturday. I'm a sucker for LE's (Limited Editions). Kinda rethinking my purchase on Marquise'D, though, as my pigmented lips find it a bit chalky. It looked good with Emancipation, though (hmmm.....).


3. Baby #3

Hold your horses! This ain't a sealed deal yet! Along with my mid-life crisis comes along my ridiculous notion to plan out my life. And life, as I figured it, always included three kids. I don't know when I'm really gonna fit this in, with school and work, so call me Crazy.....

....if I get into grad school for September 2011, I plan to defer admission until 2012, allowing me time to have a baby prior to school. Then I can go to school from 2012 to 2014. By the time I've graduated, the kids will be 9, almost 6, and (if I'm lucky), almost 3 (or just turned 2).

I'll be 40 when I graduate.

Gad! I hadn't realized that! I'm gonna need therapy too....pencil-ling that into the schedule...!

So, if I can have my last kid before the rest of my life pans out, I can ditch the maternity clothes I've got! LOL All kidding aside, the true test is wrapping my head around perhaps having another boy and not getting the girl I'd like to have. Yes, even if God told me right now that my third child will definitely be a boy, I can honestly say that that's ok with me. After all, the two boys I already have brighten my day, who's to say that another boy would be so terrible?

4. House Hunting

For those that don't live in Vancouver, the real estate market here is INSANE! All homes have move than doubled their value in the past in 9 years, making Vancouver one of the hottest real estate markets in the country. The average price of a Vancouver home has reached $1 million.

Our tiny, 4-bdr, 2000 sq ft house averages $700K. In order to upgrade, we're looking at million-dollar homes.

Case-in-point: we recently put in an offer at the asking price of $1.050 million with one little Subject-To-Inspection clause in the contract, and we were outbid, by only $10K though, but no subjects. There are MANY homes that are being sold at $40K to even $120K over-asking. INSANE!

I may never own my dream home here in Vancouver, but maybe I will one day after I get that higher-paying job after grad school, after the baby #3, after.....

...I stop procrastinating.

Signing off Twitter and the blog tonight, to get some rest and start my Letter of Intent!

Just a Litte Tear Drop

I've been sick, as you know, and not liking it one bit.

I've worked five whole days since March 25 and I'm sure my coworkers are coming to some conclusion by now that this is getting rather ridiculous.

I couldn't agree more.

At the risk of providing TMI, I'll spare you the details of how gross my sputum has become and where it's decided to lodge itself permanently and set up house. Whether what I've got is indeed pneumonia or not (I'm on Avelox, at $7 a pill!), it sucks even worse when compounded with excruciating lower back pain which boldly surfaces whenever I have to suddenly cough (and expel said sputum!).

So, in addition to Avelox, I'm also on Robax, an OTC medicine for backpain. Containing some magnesium, I have to delay taking it in the morning because of reduced absorption of the Avelox medication. So in the morning, I've got no meds to numb the back pain, usually until about noon. Afterwards, I'm good to go, popping two of those suckers every 6 hours, the max dose allowed. 500mg of Methocarbamol, a muscle-relaxant, and 200 mg Ibuprofen in each pill and I can at least get up from the toilet without crying out Momma.

But the physical pain doesn't compare to the mental anguish I got today from watching my kids leave the house with my parents. My 16-month old slept over at my parents' place last night, the second time ever, and twice this month, and I had a feeling he might stay over again tonight. It was really nice to not have to wake up in the middle of the night and rock him back to sleep as he requires, usually both of us cranky at this point, and waking up in the morning because you felt like it was actually a good time to get up. (Frankly, the only reason I got up was to pop an Avelox so I can take my Robax by noon, and not, as most would think, to pop in some waffles in the toaster oven for the The Big Kid's breakfast -- priorities, people!).

Although I'll see The Big Kid later tonight, I quietly cried at the window as my parents piled the two kids into their van. I can't carry my growing 25-pounder, nor kiss him lots, for fear of getting him more sick (he's still got a bit of bronchialitis); my back is too painful to cart him around like he likes me to. And suddenly a waft of sympathy fell over me, a little sliver of the pain my cousin's wife must have felt as her daughter was carted away from her as she battled her fight with cancer. Then I lost it completely, crumpled to the ground, reliving the agony.

I'm not equating my silly little ailment to something monstrous like cancer, but I felt a tiny twang of pain than must have been a billion-fold more horrendous for my dear cousin-in-law who passed away last October, leaving behind her husband and the sweetest little 2 year old you'll ever meet. I understood it then, but I feel it now.

But now is not the time to reminisce about something still so painful to our family. No, the focus is to take things into perspective and just get better!

Health is pivotal to everything in life ... doing daily tasks, caring for my family, and yes, doing the Daily Grind and working your ass off. I'm sure my husband would appreciate me getting better, as he (un)intentionally makes me guilty of him doing all the laundry and tidying up for me (I swear, being home all day does not benefit the beauty of our home, and in fact it's on a downward slide) and making dinner (oh, who am I kidding --- my cooking hiatus started way before I got sick).

So, my tears fell because I miss my life. I want everything to return to normal, whatever normal is. Just not THIS. I want to return to work, I want to return to running, I want to return to caring for my family.

But all that will have to wait until I return to health.

5 Years Ago Today....

.... my first little boy was born!

I can't believe how much my life has changed since my firstborn! Although he can be a little stubborn and grumpy (aren't they all at this age?), he's just the apple of my eye, and my heart melts each time I see him smile: his eyes crinkle, his cheeks plump up, his little dimple in his chin appears. Then he says I love you, Mom! Awwwww.....

Everywhere I go, I get told he's a handsome boy. He is, in fact! LOL I like to think he's looks like me but maybe I really wished that I look like him! With his right-shade-of-brown hair, and fair skin, I wish I could ingest a bottle of his good looks!

He loves sports and has been able to swing at an overhand ball since two years old. I thought that was normal until I was told otherwise from strangers, whose sons awkwardly demonstrated this to be the case. He has a good swing but an even meaner wrist shot: he loves hockey like his Dad. Learning to skate is his biggest hurdle to date, but I know when he masters that, there's no looking back with this kid!

I love him to bits and can't wait (yes, I can!) to see him grow up. I know one day I'll be wishing for the time he was five again.




Happy Birthday, Gabey! Mommy loves you lots!

Happy New Year...About time I Blogged!

Hello, and, finally, Happy New Year!

I hadn't forgotten about my blog, but simply I just hadn't had the time to put a post up. I meant to write a decent-size post about what's been going on lately, yet I kept delaying it, convinced I didn't have the time to write what I thought would probably be a lengthy post.

So, here I am now. I'm not promising a long post, but let's see how far I get....

1. Back At Work:

Yes, my maternity leave is now over and I'm back at work. The year (or, rather, the 14 months) has gone by waaaay too fast, and I now Reality is here to stay. I'm sad that Life has to go on and I must return to my job, yet, who am I kidding, I love the money. I had been officially on paid vacation since Nov 23, 2009, so getting a nice paycheque for the following 5 weeks weren't hard to take! But now I have to actually DO some work to get paid so, sigh, off to work I go!

2. Work at Work:

My life at work is super busy! I can't believe that I have been given so much work to do! I work in a laboratory and they've got me re-training for a whole friggin' month! Normally, the duties I've been assigned to do are only a one week rotation, because no one's crazy to want a whole month. Yeah, so that's what they give me! AND, to top it all off, I got zapped with the highest specimen load we've ever experienced: normally we receive 10-15 specimens a week but I friggin' got 39!!!! THIRTY NINE! No wonder I was tired last week! No breaks, just 1/2 hr lunches, but mostly 15-20 min lunches, and working overtime. There was no one more happier than me to see the weekend!


3. The Kids:

My parents have decided that they want to watch the kids while I return to work. Save your money, they said, we'll watch them. So far, it's been pretty good. I drop the kids off by 8am and arrive at work by 8:30. If I left work at the time I was supposed to, I'd be back by 4:30 to pick them up. As per #2 above, I was working a few hours of overtime last week, so I haven't exactly established a real routine yet.

I don't want to put my parents out too much, as they're technically not on my payroll, so I try to head over as early as I can get out of work. It's so different than dealing with full-time daycare like I've done in the past. I've decided to give them a monthly allowance, for them to do as they please, just as a little thank you. They're still saving me a ton of money, so what little I can give them, I'm happy. My mom already offered to beat me when I gave her the money. Nice mom, huh? LOL Yet, she hasn't tried to return the money to me since!

4. Half Marathon

Yes, this is still in the works. I have 16 weeks before the BMO Vancouver Marathon on May 2, and if I want to run it, I have to start training. I ran about 50 miles in October, one run in Nov, and about 5 runs early December. I need to build a base before starting my 12 week training in a month. So I've started running at work this week. Work as somewhat leveled off and I can at least find time to hear myself think at my desk! I got myself a locker of my own in the common locker room down the hall, and can make no excuses about getting dressed for a run now.

I ran 3 miles yesterday and 2 miles today. I have another 3 miles to run and a 4-miler for my Long Run on Sundays. I plan to repeat this 3-2-3-4 pattern for the next 4 weeks until my training starts. I have been writing a running blog since I started running again in the Fall, and you can read that here. It's not the best online running blog to use, but it works for now. I've signed up for dailymile.com but haven't used it yet. My current running blog is set on private and I haven't really shared it with anyone, and the dailymile.com site can be linked to Facebook, being touted as a social training log.

Let's hope I can continue with the running and not get injured like I did with shin splints in October!

----------------------

That's all I can think of right now to share. I'm sure there are tons of things I could write more about but my head is just fried! I honestly don't know how I will manage all these weeks of waking up early, getting the kids ready, going to work, coming home, racing this way and that for after-school activities, get home, perhaps cook some dinner, wash dishes, prepare for the next day, still have some Me time on my computer, and STILL get a decent night's sleep before starting the whole damn thing over again!

Deep breath...

Karen

There will never be a moment when I will not hear your voice, your laugh. There will never be a moment when I won't see your smile. There will never be a moment when I forget what you meant to all of us.

For all the moments we own now are changed for the better for having known you.

I love you, Karen...and always will.

How-To: Enjoy Your Coffee in Peace

This morning, my 4 year old and I were having breakfast.

Son: Wow, Mom! That sure is a big full cup!
Me: Yes, that's my coffee. I need a lot of it today.
Son: Why?
Me: Oh, I was up late last night. I went to a party, remember?
Son: Oh, whose party?
Me: It was my coworker,...you met her before. It was a wedding; she was getting married.
Son: Oh, what's "married"?
Me: Well, Daddy and I got married. I picked him, and he picked me and we got married. Tita (Aunt) Janice picked Uncle Dave and Uncle Dave picked Tita Janice, and they got married.
Son: How about Lolo Jun (Janice's dad)?
Me: Yeah. Lolo Jun picked Lola Phoebe (Janice's mom) and Lola Phoebe picked Lolo Jun. One day, maybe you'll pick some girl and you'll get married too!
Son: I don't want to get married.
Me: No? Maybe one day....
Son: {shakes head} No, I don't want to get married.
Me: Well, I'll remember this talk in the future (for your wedding reception). You sit on it, think about, maybe you'll change your mind one day.
Son: I'm not hungry anymore. {exits room}

And that, my friends, is how you clear the room and enjoy your coffee in peace on a Monday morning!

Kids of Vancouver - Charity book program by Veridamo Photography

After 7 years, hubby and I met up with our wedding photographers to discuss our next little project together.

Kids of Vancouver - Charity book program by Veridamo Photography

Tanya and Jeff of Veridamo Photography is raising funds for the Vancouver Food Bank. Their premise: photograph 200 children and print a collection of their photographs in a coffee table book entitled Kids of Vancouver. A tax-deductible $100 donation is made to the Food Bank, and in lieu, they photograph the family in idyllic Vancouver parkland, beaches, etc (but only the kids make the book!) and the coffee table book, out by Christmas, will be available for sale, proceeds going back to the Food Bank.

It's a win-win situation. We get family photos taken, and the local Food Bank gets much needed funds to function.

We're scheduled for the Saturday morning of August 22nd.

Now, I have to go shopping for outfits, seeing that I don't think we have anything coordinated between the four of us!

And Why I Prefer House Arrest

Being a mom to a newborn and a preschooler is tough, at least for me. Maybe all moms may feel like I do, given the situation, but I swear it felt like today was one of those days where I must be the only mom battling it out.

My preschooler used to go to daycare full-time, but since being home for maternity leave, I have him with me 24/7. So now I have two at home. It was easier the first time around. It was just me and The Kid and we could, and did, go anywhere we pleased, regardless of the weather. I think I even went across the border on our own. Anyways, this time around, I'm not that lucky. I actually can't be bothered! I've got a preschooler, who, thank God, was recently potty-trained. This means that I need to know where every toilet is, and not only that, it has to be clean (I'll take spotless, please!). Here, I'm already limiting myself. Eliminating parks from the picture (forget port-a-potties!), drastically reduces our fun time. If I can do without peeing by a tree, I will, so parks are out most of the time.

So, the sad life I lead, I stay at home most days, biding my time either feeding them, wiping them, cleaning up after them, and, should I be so selfish, spending some time on my computer. I bitch, complain, that I don't get to do anything but stay home and watch the kids, but only because my house arrest is self-imposed.

Well, today, I thought I should get out of the house. With the 1st of June fast approaching, the date the US Border requirement for all persons crossing to possess a valid Canadian passport takes affect, I realize that the Little One doesn't have his passport yet. The application was filled out a month ago, the photos taken shortly afterwards, so all I need to do is go down to the office and apply. And given the wonderful weather we've been having lately, I guess it should be my duty to go out and enjoy what, hopefully, could be the start of our late Spring.

I evidently also promised The Big Kid that we'd actually go to the park too. Woo hoo! [insert sarcasm here]

The application process at the government office went quite smoothly: we waited in one queue for 3 minutes and another queue for 5 minutes. Painless.

Then I thought we could go home. Nope, he remembered what I promised (they always do) and he insisted that we still go to the park. Not to be outdone by him later when he complains about being hungry and thirsty (I'm not one of those moms who knows how to pack in advance), I suggested to we go into the mall and buy some snacks.

With the Little One still asleep this whole time, we manage to make it into the store and hunt around for the grocery section at Zellers. Of course, it's all the way upstairs, so off we go to find the elevators. I'm running around quickly, grabbing some cookies, crackers, chips (healthy menu, yes, but the chips were his idea and I wasn't in the mood to fight it), and some juice that didn't say "simulated flavours" (SOMETHING has to be healthy here).

Then the crying begins.

I haven't even gotten all the items yet. The stroller awning was getting heavier with each added item; should it collapse and injure the baby within, I had to find a basket to toss things in.

Wail, wail.

Meanwhile, the Big Kid keeps dropping his bags of chips (yes, two bags...ain't gonna pass on a multiples deal!) and I swear, I wasn't going to buy crumbs, so I'm chasing him down, telling him to be careful.

Of course, there are no cashiers on the top floor, so I had to head downstairs again.

While at the cashier, arguing over the price of the scanned items (it's the principle, okay, not the money!), a growing crowd, yes, crowd of women were approaching the stroller.

- oh, he must be hungry!
- oh, he's so cute! what a darling!
- poor dear, now, now, no crying!
- is this your brother? how sweet!
- he's not stopping...oh, poor thing!

Back away from the baby! At least this is what I would've said if I wasn't vehemently arguing with a second cashier about my totalled receipt. I would've stood my ground and demanded some money refunded, but as the voices around me grew louder, the pool of sweat accumulated on my forehead and brow, my body temperature rising with each second, and I was burning up like crazy.

Just never mind! I said and grabbed my receipt, bags and the kids and busted out of there.

Out in the sun, the heat melting my makeup even more, I took a breath, closed my eyes, and gulped. What a mad house!

We went back to the car, and with our appetites getting the best of us, we cracked open the crackers, chips, cookies and juice. I nursed the Little One in the driver's seat while I recooperated from the craziness while the Big Kid was content with his Cool Ranch Doritos, sipping lukewarm apple juice. I gorged on Cracked-Black-Pepper-with-Olive-Oil Triscuits (yum..just like a chip..you should try it!).

He didn't forget about the park.

So we went there afterwards for an hour. He met some new friends, which is why we stayed so long. Hubby met us there, on his way home from work: oh, sweet surrender!

The Big Kid didn't even have to pee, even after all that juice.

I was grateful to get home....finally. I got my fill today, experienced the Outside and so I think I'll do this again....oh, next year. Lock the door, close the blinds...I'm staying home for a while.

This year is going to be a long one.

Photo credits:
Handcuffs by foxuman
Frustrated by John De Boer
(both royalty-free)

Happy Mother's Day

I hope this day brought peace and love to all moms out there. For all that they do for us, sacrificed for us, so that we, too, would in turn be as great a mother for our own kids. This is my hope, that I become as good a mother, if not better, as my own mom.

We shouldn't need one day to celebrate mothers: as enduring as their love is, celebrations should take place daily. I still have to be reminded of this, even after I've become a mom myself.

I hope my kids know how much I love being their mom, even though I don't show it every second. My life isn't complete without my kids; hard to imagine life before they came along. I understand, now, how hard it is to be a mom, but it's the best job out there.

So, thanks, Mom, for being you. You are the source of love and meaning and direction in my life and in my family. You've taught me many things, and I am still learning, yet I have not learned enough. Your little ways, nuances, bring a smile to my face, even though I seem to laugh at the things you do, I laugh with love. You are special, one-of-a-kind. No one can replace you.

I'm glad you're mine.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

Photo by Craig Jewell
(royalty free)

Compounding...On The Road

You never know when you're going to learn about something new. Last week, as I was going around doing my daily routine, I did just that.

My Little One has had a case of eczema, and over the past month since reporting it my doctor, it has gotten worse. The 1% hydrocortisone that was prescribed not only didn't work, my Little One now has white, bleached areas on his torso due to the medication. Bleached! I know he's fair-skinned (takes after his Daddy) but he's even MORE white in those areas. Like white leopard spots. Apparently, the doctor says, it wasn't strong enough. Whaaat? Seemed pretty darn strong to me, AND didn't work. Poor guy still had red welts, along with discoloured bleach spots. Not a good way to start Life, hey, Kid?

So we were prescribed another stronger medication of 0.5% Betaderm cream in a 2:1:1 concoction with Vaseline creamy and Glaxal Base cream.

Ever wonder how pharmacies can just whip out prescriptions in their black-hole abyss of shelves full of medications? Ever wonder how they manage to always have everything in stock? Don't wonder....they don't always. I found this out the hard way.

I have a Shoppers Drug Mart literally just behind my house. It's the best thing ever. If I need anything, even a loaf of bread, they've got it. But being the economical person I am, I thought I'd make a trip to Superstore and save a few bucks on the prescription. So I drop it off at 11:45 am and was told it would take 45 minutes to fill. Yikes....so NOT waiting for that, so I headed home.

(click to cue music)

I gave them some time to fill the prescription and returned at 1pm.

"Oh, we paged you and wanted to say we don't have the Vaseline Creamy required for the prescription, so it's not done yet". Did you ever think of calling me on the phone?

"I really need that prescription..."

"Ok, well, give me 5-10 minutes" WTF?....Couldn't you have taken that long to begin with?

So I hang out for 10 minutes, actually buying a few other stuff I needed. When I returned to the pharmacy counter...

"So, we made it using regular Vaseline. But we're waiting for your doctor to phone us back and ok it for us. You can wait or go home and come back once we've okayed this. Or you can take your prescription elsewhere."

Whaaaat?

"No, I can't go home again, I'll wait a few minutes."

So I sat down at a patio set display, looking pretty forlorn, and got to thinking...no, why should I wait for my doctor to call? Good luck with that....I never get a phone call back from her right away, only after a few hours. And to approve a prescription that was modified? If she says Vaseline Creamy , dammit, I should get Vaseline Creamy! Only the best for my baby!

I stomped right back to the counter and asked for my prescription back. The Shoppers Drug Mart by my house is SURE to have this.

(cue music again)

I screech over there in my car and ask the pharmacy assistant there if they have all the ingredients for my prescription recipe. Hmm, they said, we have the creamy vaseline but not the Glaxal cream.

Whaaat?

EVERY pharmacy has to have Glaxal....it's the non-medicinal, hypoallogenic cream that makes up almost all prescription creams. It's like the basis of all pharmaceutical lotions. They don't have this? Is this not Shoppers DRUG Mart? I just bought a huge jug of this at Superstore....perhaps I can aliquot it out for them.



They suggested I go to the Pharmasave not too far away, as they are a compounding pharmacy and will definitely be able to make anything there. Really? Anything? Aren't all pharmacies supposed to be able to do that anyways? They gave me the address and telephone number, and off I was....on the road again, silently cursing Willie Nelson for creating that joyous Road Trip tune. I wasn't whistling this time.

(danggit...different song please...)

I finally got there and they said the prescription would be ready in 15 minutes. No questions asked! No denying their ability to fill it. And they offered to delivery it FOR FREE because I couldn't wait 15 minutes (my babysitting services was expiring, with all this driving around). I can pay upon delivery. What service!

I noticed a sign by the till, thanking me for coming to a Compounding Pharmacy. So there's such a thing? There are not too many things that stump me suddenly. I had to research this when I got home.

(sigh)

A compounding pharmacy (CP) is a pharmacy that specializes in mixing raw ingredients. Apparently 99% of prescriptions are commercial drugs already made by drug companies. Among other things, a CP is great if you:

* can't take large pills. They can create smaller-dosage pills for easier swallowing or even make that in a liquid form, or, yikes, as suppositories!

* can add flavouring to medications if you absolutely can't stand the taste of what you're taking, or your kid will only take bubble gum flavours :) --- Obviously, not on the suppositories!

* remove a non-essential ingredient in medication that you are allergic to like gluten or dyes

* create a drug at a lower strength not readily available (like for infants, in my case)

What a fantastic concept! I guess most pharmacies just count pills or something and don't actually do much mixing (no offence to my pharmacist friends). I guess those at compounding pharmacies are true alchemists, modern day mad scientists, concocting anything needed for ultimate patient care.

I was so impressed with this concept, and the service I got, that I will probably be dropping a few more prescriptions there. You should look into finding one near you...it could save you a trip or two in the future!

Another Monday

It's another Monday, folks, and I've decided that I'm going to make this day work for me, not the other way around.

It hasn't been spectacular, but I've had worse.

The Little One only spit up once this morning and is actually only squawking a little bit in his baby swing. The Bigger One is busy watching Dora and singing to the Little One, much to his chagrin. I played a little Mr. Potato Head, and served breakfast. The only mishap I have to say I had was spilling a little milk making my morning coffee. I found another roll of paper towels in the house (yes!) and hubby took out the garbage this morning before going to work. Not a bad start.

Hopefully, with any luck, it'll end on a good note....but by saying so, I know I'm setting myself up with something.

Bring it, Monday!

Happy Birthday To Me!

It's my birthday...it's my birthday! I'm, ahem, finally 19 today! Ha...wouldn't it be nice...

But, seriously, I was looking forward to my birthday this year. I don't know why. Not looking forward to adding a number to my age, not looking forward to another grey hair (what's another one on this head of mine?), but happy to have a "it's all about me" day. I don't get too many of those the rest of the year.

The day started with my morning 3hr appointment at the spa. Yes, 3 hours! It was a gift from my husband. I found this wonderful spa a couple of years ago, Perfect Health Spa, that had the most reasonable sale on manicures and pedicures (at the time anyways), and I have since gone there several times over the years. A really cool place, with a labyrinth of rooms, where they have big screens so you can pick a DVD to watch while you're there. Anyways, DH had my sister call me up and ask "for her friend" what the name of that spa was so she can try it out. Turns out she was just helping DH get me a spa appointment. But it wasn't a real surprise as intended, since I got a "confirmation email" the night before....so much for birthday surprises!

Image courtesy of perfecthealth.ca

Barely making it to my 10:30 appointment, I was immediately whisked away to one of the rooms for my 30 minute relaxation massage, which was very nice. Mind you, I was a tad tense for most of that session, seeing I was on my belly the whole time, and worried about my poor breasts who are still nursing The Little One (I'm sure the last massage I had while nursing years ago attributed to my poor supply issues I had). So, I was propped up with pillows on either side, above and below, to keep me comfortable, which I appreciated.

I've had massages before, yet each time I get one, I always feel stupid asking, "so, you want me to take everything off?". If I don't ask, I have this ridiculous notion in my head that one day someone will actually say, "um, you didn't have to take everything off", while I lie there on the table, almost naked, the scene playing out like a sitcom episode in my head, laugh track and all.

After the massage I get my Celebrity Manicure, a basic manicure with extras: herbal soak, arm and hand exfoliation and massage and warm towel relaxation. Meanwhile, I'm watching Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants on the screen. I chose the prettiest pink from the O.P.I palette they had, Argenteeny Pinkini. Rather cool-toned on my skin, but I like it:


Next, I had the Celebrity Pedicure, with the extras included. I forgot to ask the name of the colour I chose...it's a bright fuchsia colour pink. I took this pic when I got home later at night, all comfy in my pjs, with the sandals I wore all day:
I didn't have the time to apply my makeup in the morning before I left, so I brought everything with me, and after my pedicure, I took the time in the bathroom to apply it. I wished I brought my mini train case because I crammed everything in a little ziplock bag, brushes and mixing bowls included, and carried it around gingerly so that my mineral makeup wouldn't spill.

Because it was my birthday, the owner of the spa gave me a complimentary "A-List Membership" for the next 365 days, which would have normally cost me $36.50, allowing me something like up to 35% off any spa service. I thought that was pretty cool of her to do so, and I hope to cash in on this deal this summer, getting myself some more pedicures as the weather warms up.

After I get picked up by my chauffeur, my husband, we head over to Toys R Us to buy a present for our friend's son's 1st birthday, which we were attending their party in a couple of hours.

Stupid Alert! Funny thing happened on the rooftop parking lot of Toys R Us: DH left his driver's door open as he went to purchase a ticket, and some lady decides to back up into the stall in which our car door was blocking (there were tons of other spots open). Her rent-a-car (yes, you read right!) hit the corner of our open car door and dented her bumper pretty good, but not so much a scratch on our car. Luckily, I had come around the car by then and stopped her from doing more damage. DH came back to the car and had to bite his tongue from saying, "Are you dumb, lady?".

Anyways, on to the party we went later, chatting with friends we haven't seen in a while and with those we've seen recently, playing games, entertained by a clown (scary!), eating lots of food and cake. Not everyone there knew that I shared the same birthday as the birthday boy, but that was fine with me. My little happy secret!

By 7pm, my family met up with my mom, dad, and sis at a greek restaurant we frequent now and then. After waiting 20 minutes for a table (somebody should've made reservations!), we indulged in another feast of carbs. Here are some pics I took after dinner.





With the kids getting cranky, that was the sign to head home. After putting everyone asleep, including my DH, I have to say I had a nice birthday. The spa was great today. Good thing: I had some time alone, to be primped and prettified. Bad thing: I had some time alone, without my family. I did miss them while I was there, how silly of me to do so, but I did, like I was being selfish or something. Dinner was good with family tonight, even though it was short but sweet. I can't complain about much right now. 19 sure feels like it's going to be a great year. :)