Still Alive

I really had not realized that it's been THIS long since I've blogged.  What reminded me to make a quick post was an assignment for school that I recently completed, and we had to create a blog and create posts and receive/reply with feedback from our "blogging team".

Anyways, I digress.

Almost six months of working full-time, going to school full-time, with three kids in the family, all I can say is....

I'm tired.

I've got two more sets of classes starting up this weekend, and this heavy burden of a research project to complete by end of August, and I'm really feeling the burden now.

All I can say is that I hope I can survive the next few months intact. 

I just have to keep my eye on the prize, is all.

....eye on the prize.

Reflections, Part I

Tonight's one of those late nights where the mind wanders and the inner spirit tremors with worry, with trepidation.  So many times I've wanted to write, yet so many times it's been easier to wrap myself in my blanket, close my eyes and wish for my mind to clear and allow myself some calm wave of inner peace.

Not tonight.

Where do I begin? To look ahead to the future would be just to look at my past.  What has happened within the past year?

My little girl is about to turn 9 months this week, and I'm not kidding when time really does fly by. She's a real beauty, at least I'm reassured by others, and we all love her to pieces. Not to belittle the presence of my two older boys, but she has made our lives complete, filling me with pensive joy even when I'm on Hour 2 of rocking her to sleep because she needed the extra comfort. Jokes on her when it is really I who needs the comfort, and I'm glad to hold her a little bit longer in the darkness of her room.

I'll be returning to work in a couple of months, two months early (who's counting? I am.) Financially, it's the most logical choice, but emotionally it's been a battle.  Loving this little girl, holding her with me all day, knowing this will likely be the last child I will bear as I approach my 40's, I don't want to let go. As much as I could never be a stay-at-home mother, it is essentially that which I seemed to have enjoyed these past few months. I wished the hiatus would last as long as allowed but I'd be lying to myself that we wouldn't be crushed financially by doing so.  Partly to blame could be my husband who decided to start his own plumbing business when I was pregnant (self-employment isn't exactly lucrative, yet, anyways), but I can't fault what we agreed upon as a couple --through thick and thin, richer or poorer. No, it is what it is. We want the house, we gotta pay for it.  We'll need a larger vehicle, and I haven't found anyone giving any of those away for free. Not to mention the kids' winter and spring hockey seasons (nevermind the hubby's), going back to work early should be a no-brainer.  But no one ever said that I didn't have to go back feeling happy about it.

I'll also be returning to my Masters degree program in January.  Scared shitless? Uh huh. It was hard enough heading back to school after 15 years. I persevered and had many late nights reading, typing papers, finishing projects, and by the time I took my leave from school, I had at least an 80% average. How the hell am I supposed to do that again? I don't know if I have enough juice in me to tackle another 8 courses and a thesis (don't get me started on that! Unless you have an idea for a topic!). Life is different now compared to a year ago. People said I'm crazy for being a mom, working full time and going to school. Yep, I am, I'd say, and would have probably elbowed you to the wall and ask if you had a problem with that. Ask me today and likely I'd likely bow my head and feel the self-doubts fill my throat and teary eyes swell as I cower away. I won't know my new cohort, and I imagine the half year of school I do have left will be spent in a virtual isolation booth, with no one to commiserate with,  no one to rely on for help. So wants to help a "mother" (gasp!) in the classroom? Not these young, enthusiastic, twenty-somethings I heard this cohort mostly consists of.

But not all my days are filled with this dread and forlorness. In anticipation of returning back to my old self, my old life, I've been running more and watching my eating habits, to fit into my old clothes again.  I can breathe better, deeper, now, especially after a long run. Many people hate running because it's hard, but ironically it's because it's hard that I find running appealing.  The mental challenge of the repetitiveness pushes me, the monotony of my breathing speaks rhythms to my mind. In the last 50 days, I've lost 11 pounds. And I can, for the most part, fit back into my jeans I used to wear before I was pregnant. Not one to shy away from challenges (obviously), I have another 10 pounds on my radar, 15, tops.

Fast forward to January 6, 2014's post....as my reflections on this night kept me away from completion....

End of an Era...Sort Of.

And.....SEND!

"No more school, no more books, no more teachers, dirty looks!"

Kinda.....for now.

Having had one more paper left hanging from my last class that ended in December, I finally polished it off and hit that SEND button just minutes ago.

My last paper for the year.

As I breathe heavily and glance soulfully at the papers and textbooks strewn around me, I try to collect my feelings of.....accomplishment?  Of dread? Of forlornness?

My feelings are mixed: like waiting for the other shoe to drop, I'm waiting for the jubilee I expected from completing my final assignment before my pending maternity leave from work and school, but it's just not coming.  It's like I'm missing something: is it a fear? A fear of a lack of purpose in life?  Perhaps not a fear of a lack of purpose but perhaps a fear of being rejected from the life I knew, a built-up, dream-like state of academia life and being lost within my real reality, of family and obligations.

Is that wrong?

School will be there for me next January when I resume my degree, and although it's difficult to envision now, next January will come around so fast I'll likely be cursing the passage of time and longingly look back to what the future holds for me today.

So, as parallelisms go, as I gather my papers and close my books, I end another chapter in my life and open another one.  Instead of going to classes, taking notes, writing papers, one thing that will remain the same are my group projects, albeit of a different kind.

My group will now consist of my husband, my two little boys and my new little girl who arrives in 3 weeks, and my new projects will be more colourful, likely messy and dysfunctional, and most definitely more satisfying than I could possibly imagine.

Another Challenge...Will It Ever End?

I've spent much of the past 10 months studying my way through my first year of my Master's degree, and it's almost sucked my life dry.  I've been challenged to the nth degree and have faced many bang-my-head-against-the-wall moments, writing papers, exams, group projects, questioning my very  existence between this rock and that hard place.

Although my first-year classes finished last weekend, and I'm almost over this academic Matterhorn, save for four papers to write between now and July 22nd, I'm finding my challenges have only yet begun.

I'm pregnant.

Yes, a shock for you, but if only I could have Instagram'ed my stark realization of my apparent disbelief could you truly appreciate the shock value it held for me.

If you knew me, you'd know I'm all about logistics: how things get done, when, how long, who, what, where, when, how....you get the drill.  Like a seasoned army general, I plan for the expected and the unexpected, forging my blueprints for appropriateness, completeness, finesse....

....this wasn't in the plan.

And before you barrage me with the whole "did you use protection?" debate, may I comment that this is a moot point, considering that I/we don't remember the what/where/when.  (Frankly, it's unfortunate, seeing we may have actually had a great time with the "how", but I guess that's what happens when priorities lie elsewhere.)

So, out goes the plan on losing the extra 15 lbs that snuck up on me on my Freshman-15. Much of my time now is preoccupied with deciding if I'm nauseous because of eating too much or eating too little.  My 9-week belly is growing at such a supernatural rate, I may be forced to blow my cover sooner than later, at the risk of being called bloated or, gasp, fat. (Who am I kidding: I'm already there. Ugh.)

Baby #3 (or affectionately referred to as, Better-Be-A-Girl by hubby) is definitely going to rock my world for the next few months.  Going to class on weekends, completing coursework, going to work full-time, two kids + one, if you include hubby, all while completing a thesis, nursing/pumping/insomnia, etc, etc....

While challenging, I find myself blessed to have found myself in this situation.  Actually, I find it slightly humourous, though perhaps this laughing gas I'm breathing will eventually wear off and I'll find myself needing oxygen instead. Until then, I'll keep chuckling away to keep my spirits up, shaking my head in disbelief to this cockamamie brick wall I keep running into. 

Damn logistics.  Good thing this ain't a real war.

Back To School!

"Congratulations!"

And with that, my life has been uprooted again.

I have been accepted into grad school!



A solemn acceptance of my fate ahead was sealed as I read my offer of admission via email last Thursday. I actually got in, unconditionally; my file at The Faculty of Graduate Studies is considered complete. I don't have to write the GMAT...all I have to do is say yes.

It took me 8 days to reply to the Faculty of Medicine (from which the MHA is being offered). I needed time to assess what a Yes meant for me, my family, and life as I knew it.

Saying yes meant I would be immediately broke starting September.
Saying yes meant moving into a bigger home would likely have to be put on hold.
Saying yes meant I would be spending less time with family.
Saying yes meant I would be stressing out a lot more than I already do (I'm anticipating meds.)

Saying yes meant I would not add Child #3 to my family....for now.

I'm ok with the first four points. The last point was a little bit hard to face.

But, you know, I have to remain firm in my belief that what is meant to be will be. Life is too short to be wondering about the what ifs.

Eight days later, and I believe.

I could've dissected this decision to apply to grad school with a finer-toothed comb, but it's because I believe in the fate that leads me, I'll be ok.

And so goes my reply... "I am writing to inform you that I happily accept the offer of admission granted by The Faculty of Graduate Studies and I am extremely excited to be entering the MHA program in September 2011."

I need another sip of my Malibu sitting beside me: it's finally kicking in.

Cheers to the long 2 year ride ahead!

Firework

It's complete....my application to grad school!

I drove over to the University today and personally handed it in to the receptionist desk. It wasn't as satisfying as handing it directly to the Program Manager, but to have my CV and my Letter of Intent out of my hands and into the hands that be felt pretty dang good! Or so I thought...

I gathered myself together as I left the building, trying to sum up what I was feeling. Kinda like taking a deep breath and letting it all out slowly, wondering if I'll be able to breathe deep again. I thought I'd be quite celebratory afterwards, but the pessimistic side of me got to thinking, "Hey, you only got your application in! You still have to compete with all the other applications that are sitting there! Maybe you really should've smacked a proper Avery label on the envelope rather than handwriting the addressee on there like a kindergartener! It's not in the bag yet!"

Yep, anti-climactic me.

And it kinda kills me that Katy Perry's Firework keeps blaring out on the radio. It used to get me kinda hyped about doing something crazy like going to school again, and, like on cue, I heard it again on my drive home and I could only tap my fingers to the music rather than grandstand ridiculously in that dreamworld head of mine and belt it out.

I get a nice warm feeling inside, though, thinking, what if....

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin, like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep, six feet under screams, but no one seems to hear a thing?
Do you know that there's still a chance for you, 'cause there's a spark in you?

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine, just own the night like the Fourth of July
'Cause baby you're a firework, come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!" as you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you're a firework, come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!" , you're gonna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own.

You don't have to feel like a waste of space ; you're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds: after a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed, so you could open one that leads you to the perfect road Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow, and when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine, just own the night like the Fourth of July
'Cause baby you're a firework, come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!" , as you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you're a firework, come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!" , you're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe

Boom, boom, boom, even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you , and now it's time to let it through
'Cause baby you're a firework , come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!" as you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you're a firework, come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!" , you're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe

I Tweet Too Much

That's my problem.


I've largely ignored my blog due to Twitter. For those who are on Twitter, you know what I'm talking about. There's no commitment to the tweets you make: they're random, tangent, in-the-moment, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of comments. And I'm very random.

I'm sort of a perfectionist, especially when it comes to my writing. That's where this blog takes an exit: my life right now is far from being perfect and I'm constantly trying to find this balance I'm yearning for, and I'm not there yet. Writing should be comforting for me, and it is, but I'm finding I do not have the time to commit to such a project. I prefer to write than to blog, and I'm thinking my definition of the two should be more similar than I let on.

So that being said, I'm going to try and blog more than tweet. Ok, a half-baked lie, since tweeting on a Blackberry is way more easier than blogging, but I'm going to try.

Here's ANOTHER update to complement my latest tweets....


1. Grad school

Yes, I'm apparently going through an early mid-life crisis and have decided that it's time to go back to school. Frankly, I'm fed up with the sh!t I put up with at work and figured there's a lot more to life than staring down a microscope and listening to my coworkers bitch about the bureaucracy and each other. And the only way I'm going to make more money than my current salary is if I move into management of some kind.

Enter grad school.

I was considering an MBA but instead of giving up the "wealth" (haha!) of knowledge I've learned from being in the health care sector, I'm going to try my hand at getting in the MHA program instead (Master of Health Administration). It's also cheaper, by about half ($30K!). This is an executive-style program, meaning I can still work full-time, pay for my mortgage, and still study my way out of my current job.

So far, I've put in my online application, created my CV, and told my three referees about sending in their Letters of Reference. All I've really got to work on for the next week is my Letter of Intent, where I outline why I should be allowed into the program and how I see it fit in my career goals.

I haven't started yet simply because "making more money and getting the hell out" of working in a laboratory doesn't seem to be convincing enough. I'm working on more tangible reasons. :)

And, in the meantime, I also have to start studying for this GMAT exam that I may have to challenge. I've bought all the books I need to study, yet, hoping against hope, that I'll be given a waiver to not write (long story, but there's a stipulation in the admissions policy that could be in my favour).

So, in true procrastination, the following has occupied my past few days...


2. MAC and Other Lemmings

I've always been in makeup, being gifted my first Cover Girl lipstick in Frosted Rose when I was 14. But, lately, past few years, I've been practically obsessed with it! I have some posts in this blog under the tagline "makeup" you can search for, if you're interested.

So I won't go into great detail, as this blog is not a true beauty blog (there are many out there that do a FANTASTIC job at this) but I'm been wanting, begging, pleading for some decent eye brushes. I just picked up a 224, a tapered blending brush, but really wanted the discontinued 226 for creasework. My wish list: 217, 219, 239, 208, 249. I'd march right down to my local MAC counter and buy these all if it weren't for the awesome Canadian dollar...If I bought all these on the US website and have them shipped to just across the border my fave US-parcel-pickup, I'd save enough money to get another brush free! I paid $35 CAD for the 224 and it only cost about $25 US! Gah!

And I "lucked" out going to MAC yesterday for the launch of the Wonder Woman collection (I say lucked tongue-in-cheek because it's not so lucky how much I ended up spending!). I didn't think I'd like any of the product, purposeful avoiding all the online reviews, but I ended up testing Marquise'D (lipstick), Emancipation (Lip Glass), and Mighty Aphrodite (duo blush). I ended up liking Mighty Aphrodite so much by the end of the day, I called my MAC counter 10 minutes before closing and asked them to put it on hold for me until my makeover consult (*sigh*) next Saturday. I'm a sucker for LE's (Limited Editions). Kinda rethinking my purchase on Marquise'D, though, as my pigmented lips find it a bit chalky. It looked good with Emancipation, though (hmmm.....).


3. Baby #3

Hold your horses! This ain't a sealed deal yet! Along with my mid-life crisis comes along my ridiculous notion to plan out my life. And life, as I figured it, always included three kids. I don't know when I'm really gonna fit this in, with school and work, so call me Crazy.....

....if I get into grad school for September 2011, I plan to defer admission until 2012, allowing me time to have a baby prior to school. Then I can go to school from 2012 to 2014. By the time I've graduated, the kids will be 9, almost 6, and (if I'm lucky), almost 3 (or just turned 2).

I'll be 40 when I graduate.

Gad! I hadn't realized that! I'm gonna need therapy too....pencil-ling that into the schedule...!

So, if I can have my last kid before the rest of my life pans out, I can ditch the maternity clothes I've got! LOL All kidding aside, the true test is wrapping my head around perhaps having another boy and not getting the girl I'd like to have. Yes, even if God told me right now that my third child will definitely be a boy, I can honestly say that that's ok with me. After all, the two boys I already have brighten my day, who's to say that another boy would be so terrible?

4. House Hunting

For those that don't live in Vancouver, the real estate market here is INSANE! All homes have move than doubled their value in the past in 9 years, making Vancouver one of the hottest real estate markets in the country. The average price of a Vancouver home has reached $1 million.

Our tiny, 4-bdr, 2000 sq ft house averages $700K. In order to upgrade, we're looking at million-dollar homes.

Case-in-point: we recently put in an offer at the asking price of $1.050 million with one little Subject-To-Inspection clause in the contract, and we were outbid, by only $10K though, but no subjects. There are MANY homes that are being sold at $40K to even $120K over-asking. INSANE!

I may never own my dream home here in Vancouver, but maybe I will one day after I get that higher-paying job after grad school, after the baby #3, after.....

...I stop procrastinating.

Signing off Twitter and the blog tonight, to get some rest and start my Letter of Intent!

Parlons Francais, Part Deux

So, we accepted the enrollment spot for french immersion in the Fall.

It took over a week to finally hash it out with my husband, the pros and cons. I was already set on it, having mulled it over while driving to and from work, during running, before drifting off to sleep each night, during commercials of Olympic coverage. I just needed to go through the formality of having actually having a discussion with the hubby before making a final decision.

Technically, we have until this Monday, Feb 22, 3pm, to inform them of our acceptance. I wanted to confirm before the weekend though, in case, through a slight oversight, should the school decide to rescind their offer, pulling a fast joke on us or having had placed their bets that we would never have called back in the first place.

Hubby was hesitant, of course, to agree with me, without so much of an argument, though. He's a brooding-kind of debater, if there was such a thing, and getting him to speak his mind succinctly is like arguing with the wall.

He was concerned with how he would learn to spell dog or cat if they weren't going to teach him that. We would have to help him, by continuing to read to him in English at home, I say. But we're so busy in the evenings as it is, he argues. We'll have to change that, I insist.

But, bottom-line, he just wants him to go to a good school, learn well, and be "more smarter than his father".

As I see it, since hubby hit the nail on the head by admitting out loud his education goals for his son, whatever decision we made is ultimately the best one.

Parlons Francais!

So, today, that long-awaited letter (ok, maybe it just felt like ages!) arrived today, informing us that my son has been guaranteed a space in French Immersion this Fall for kindergarten.

I'm so stoked!

Everyone who got accepted -- about 44 kids -- were to find out by this Friday, Feb 12, if we were accepted or put on a wait-list. We got the letter saying we got in! It was about a 1 in 2 chance of getting into the program, given the number of applicants for spaces.

So now my husband and I have about 10 or so days to talk it over and decide what we're going to do. If we accept the spot, we forfeit our spaces at the other schools we've applied to, which makes sense. We did, at the same time, also receive a letter from our default school that we've been accepted there too. We just haven't heard yet from the third school if there are spaces available and if we would fill one of those spots.

But, assuming we were accepted to all three schools, which school would I choose?

The dilemma in this is that whatever we decide will drastically impact my kids' (yes, BOTH kids) education AND life.

Option 1: Choose the French Immersion school

Pros:

• My younger son would be able to be automatically allowed admission into the program, as would any other siblings that follow (ahem, none yet!);
• My kids would automatically be allowed admission to the French Immersion high school, which happens to be a very good, well-respected school (great Fine Arts & Science programs, complete with IB program too, with grads going to Ivy League schools), a school we probably wouldn't have a chance to get into if he studied "in English" since we'd be out-of-catchment;
• kids in French Immersion grow up and "stay together" through the years, going through school, so they'll have a tight relationship (and I heard the parents are nice too!);
• it's a small school, with a lot of personalized attention and resources;
  
• he gets a chance at a bilingual future, unlike me, who missed the boat when I moved here from Montreal when I was 8 years old.
  

Cons:

• it's only half-day kindergarten next year, while most other schools will be full-day kindergarten. Possible daycare costs to be incurred;
• it's an Annex school, meaning after Grade 3, he'll have to go to the Main School, a little farther away, meaning I'll eventually have two kids in two different schools most of the time;
• until we move, the school is actually in the opposite direction from work, and across a major artery, so morning traffic will be a bitch;
• I still don't know how after-school care will be handled when he's a little older;
• will I still be able to help him out with homework, despite my limited French.
• his English reading and writing skills will likely lag for a few years, taking a while to catch up.
  

Option 2: Stick him in a regular English classroom

Pros:

• his reading and writing skills should develop at the usual rate.

Cons:

• he won't have the same level of French proficiency had he started in FI instead.

As you can see, there are not that many issues when dealing with the English-track curriculum. Not so in the case of the French route: possibly more pros and cons I haven't listed yet.

I'll be doing more research, but I'm leaning on sticking him French Immersion and hoping for the best!

Kindergarten Registration

I didn't think that kindergarten would come so fast!

Recently, I've had to really start thinking about where to send my son for kindergarten. I actually didn't about it early enough, since registrations began November 2nd of last year. Had I any smarts, I would've called my prospective schools and inquired about Information Sessions.

Case in point: one of my considerations was French Immersion. Apparently all the FI schools in the city have information nights in mid-November.

Mommy Fail #1: missed those.

Now, I've heard that boys, somewhat lag behind their female classmates in FI, and sometimes struggle severely enough to transfer out of the program. And, FI, in some sense, has been termed elitist in some circles. On the first point, of the kids I know who are in FI, one girl and two boys, all at different schools and different grades, are all enjoying themselves and excelling well. Perhaps, given the chance, my son will excel as well. On the second point, being in an FI program can be exclusive, given the lack of resources to have more schools in the city, but as for elitist, I beg to differ. It doesn't cost more to send kids to a public french immersion school, so family income isn't an issue. It's a matter of personal choice on the parents' part: anyone can apply, but a lottery is usually how most people get in, due, again, to the lack of supply-and-demand principles.

Throw in the curve ball that 60% of Vancouver elementary schools will be going full-day in 2010. The remaining 40% will assume full-day kindergarten (FDK) in 2011. FI schools will only have FDK in 2011, discouraging me from considering applying for any french schools: he's so ready for full-time school.

-----

See my 2011 Update here.