Still Alive

I really had not realized that it's been THIS long since I've blogged.  What reminded me to make a quick post was an assignment for school that I recently completed, and we had to create a blog and create posts and receive/reply with feedback from our "blogging team".

Anyways, I digress.

Almost six months of working full-time, going to school full-time, with three kids in the family, all I can say is....

I'm tired.

I've got two more sets of classes starting up this weekend, and this heavy burden of a research project to complete by end of August, and I'm really feeling the burden now.

All I can say is that I hope I can survive the next few months intact. 

I just have to keep my eye on the prize, is all.

....eye on the prize.

Reflections, Part II

Midnight.

I should be sleeping but I have to finish the reflections I started a couple of months ago, as tomorrow is the day I return to work.

I hoped tomorrow hadn't crept up so soon.

Am I ready to return to work? The tangible things aside (my lunch, extra utensils for my desk, a dozen chocolate chip cookies for the coworkers), I'm as prepared mentally as I figured I allowed myself.  I refuse to be ready to return, but aim for "adequately anxious".

Despite having an infant in the house, I actually have been extremely lucky to have been able to sleep in on most occasions, even after being rudely awoken at 4am. This past week alone I haven't been up before 9am; I don't know if I can get up at 6:30 every morning from now on.

It is what is it.

I hope that I have the strength to balance my life from hereon in.  Work. School. Family. A work-life balance will mean a lot more to me than it ever will, and I hope I don't lose perspective on what really counts in life.

Reflections, Part I

Tonight's one of those late nights where the mind wanders and the inner spirit tremors with worry, with trepidation.  So many times I've wanted to write, yet so many times it's been easier to wrap myself in my blanket, close my eyes and wish for my mind to clear and allow myself some calm wave of inner peace.

Not tonight.

Where do I begin? To look ahead to the future would be just to look at my past.  What has happened within the past year?

My little girl is about to turn 9 months this week, and I'm not kidding when time really does fly by. She's a real beauty, at least I'm reassured by others, and we all love her to pieces. Not to belittle the presence of my two older boys, but she has made our lives complete, filling me with pensive joy even when I'm on Hour 2 of rocking her to sleep because she needed the extra comfort. Jokes on her when it is really I who needs the comfort, and I'm glad to hold her a little bit longer in the darkness of her room.

I'll be returning to work in a couple of months, two months early (who's counting? I am.) Financially, it's the most logical choice, but emotionally it's been a battle.  Loving this little girl, holding her with me all day, knowing this will likely be the last child I will bear as I approach my 40's, I don't want to let go. As much as I could never be a stay-at-home mother, it is essentially that which I seemed to have enjoyed these past few months. I wished the hiatus would last as long as allowed but I'd be lying to myself that we wouldn't be crushed financially by doing so.  Partly to blame could be my husband who decided to start his own plumbing business when I was pregnant (self-employment isn't exactly lucrative, yet, anyways), but I can't fault what we agreed upon as a couple --through thick and thin, richer or poorer. No, it is what it is. We want the house, we gotta pay for it.  We'll need a larger vehicle, and I haven't found anyone giving any of those away for free. Not to mention the kids' winter and spring hockey seasons (nevermind the hubby's), going back to work early should be a no-brainer.  But no one ever said that I didn't have to go back feeling happy about it.

I'll also be returning to my Masters degree program in January.  Scared shitless? Uh huh. It was hard enough heading back to school after 15 years. I persevered and had many late nights reading, typing papers, finishing projects, and by the time I took my leave from school, I had at least an 80% average. How the hell am I supposed to do that again? I don't know if I have enough juice in me to tackle another 8 courses and a thesis (don't get me started on that! Unless you have an idea for a topic!). Life is different now compared to a year ago. People said I'm crazy for being a mom, working full time and going to school. Yep, I am, I'd say, and would have probably elbowed you to the wall and ask if you had a problem with that. Ask me today and likely I'd likely bow my head and feel the self-doubts fill my throat and teary eyes swell as I cower away. I won't know my new cohort, and I imagine the half year of school I do have left will be spent in a virtual isolation booth, with no one to commiserate with,  no one to rely on for help. So wants to help a "mother" (gasp!) in the classroom? Not these young, enthusiastic, twenty-somethings I heard this cohort mostly consists of.

But not all my days are filled with this dread and forlorness. In anticipation of returning back to my old self, my old life, I've been running more and watching my eating habits, to fit into my old clothes again.  I can breathe better, deeper, now, especially after a long run. Many people hate running because it's hard, but ironically it's because it's hard that I find running appealing.  The mental challenge of the repetitiveness pushes me, the monotony of my breathing speaks rhythms to my mind. In the last 50 days, I've lost 11 pounds. And I can, for the most part, fit back into my jeans I used to wear before I was pregnant. Not one to shy away from challenges (obviously), I have another 10 pounds on my radar, 15, tops.

Fast forward to January 6, 2014's post....as my reflections on this night kept me away from completion....

Happy Birthday, Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,

Today you were born.

If my life wasn't so blessed already with your two brothers and your daddy, one might say that there was no void for you to fill.  But my life is made more blessed with your presence, your little light.

I wonder what you have in store for us....I wonder what we have in store for you.  We've never had a little princess before, and that is what you shall remain in both your daddy's eyes and mine.

We love you and can't be more happier than we are today.

Mommy and Daddy,
February 1st, 2013

End of an Era...Sort Of.

And.....SEND!

"No more school, no more books, no more teachers, dirty looks!"

Kinda.....for now.

Having had one more paper left hanging from my last class that ended in December, I finally polished it off and hit that SEND button just minutes ago.

My last paper for the year.

As I breathe heavily and glance soulfully at the papers and textbooks strewn around me, I try to collect my feelings of.....accomplishment?  Of dread? Of forlornness?

My feelings are mixed: like waiting for the other shoe to drop, I'm waiting for the jubilee I expected from completing my final assignment before my pending maternity leave from work and school, but it's just not coming.  It's like I'm missing something: is it a fear? A fear of a lack of purpose in life?  Perhaps not a fear of a lack of purpose but perhaps a fear of being rejected from the life I knew, a built-up, dream-like state of academia life and being lost within my real reality, of family and obligations.

Is that wrong?

School will be there for me next January when I resume my degree, and although it's difficult to envision now, next January will come around so fast I'll likely be cursing the passage of time and longingly look back to what the future holds for me today.

So, as parallelisms go, as I gather my papers and close my books, I end another chapter in my life and open another one.  Instead of going to classes, taking notes, writing papers, one thing that will remain the same are my group projects, albeit of a different kind.

My group will now consist of my husband, my two little boys and my new little girl who arrives in 3 weeks, and my new projects will be more colourful, likely messy and dysfunctional, and most definitely more satisfying than I could possibly imagine.

Happy New Year, 2013!

I forgot that once upon a time, a long, long time ago, I used to make New Year's Resolutions each year.

Will lose weight.
Will exercise more.
Will eat healthier.

See a trend?

My resolutions were usually about improving the physical side of me.  Maybe because that's what seemed obvious.  Maybe because everyone was doing the same.

But I haven't made these resolutions in the longest time, nor do I remember when the last time I did so.

What happened to me?

I became a mom.

I see my kids' smiling faces each day, and I forget that my daily existence revolves around them.  And with a new baby just around the corner, I see the need to state the resolution that has gone unsaid, unspoken all these years:

Will be a better mom.

Sure, I'll be thinking about the losing weight, exercise more, eating healthier in the meantime.  But as I reflect on the meaning of a new beginning, a new year, what better way to pay homage to the one important role in my life that has given me meaning, shaped my life, and made me who I am today.  Not that I know HOW to be a better mom...but to try my hardest to enjoy my kids more,  shape them into responsible little citizens of the world, and to help them be who they are and what they know best: being a kid.

They're only young once, and so am I.

Happy New Year, 2013!  2012 was a year of many blessings, and I'm looking forward to year of another round of joyful surprises and happiness, for our family and for yours!

Another Challenge...Will It Ever End?

I've spent much of the past 10 months studying my way through my first year of my Master's degree, and it's almost sucked my life dry.  I've been challenged to the nth degree and have faced many bang-my-head-against-the-wall moments, writing papers, exams, group projects, questioning my very  existence between this rock and that hard place.

Although my first-year classes finished last weekend, and I'm almost over this academic Matterhorn, save for four papers to write between now and July 22nd, I'm finding my challenges have only yet begun.

I'm pregnant.

Yes, a shock for you, but if only I could have Instagram'ed my stark realization of my apparent disbelief could you truly appreciate the shock value it held for me.

If you knew me, you'd know I'm all about logistics: how things get done, when, how long, who, what, where, when, how....you get the drill.  Like a seasoned army general, I plan for the expected and the unexpected, forging my blueprints for appropriateness, completeness, finesse....

....this wasn't in the plan.

And before you barrage me with the whole "did you use protection?" debate, may I comment that this is a moot point, considering that I/we don't remember the what/where/when.  (Frankly, it's unfortunate, seeing we may have actually had a great time with the "how", but I guess that's what happens when priorities lie elsewhere.)

So, out goes the plan on losing the extra 15 lbs that snuck up on me on my Freshman-15. Much of my time now is preoccupied with deciding if I'm nauseous because of eating too much or eating too little.  My 9-week belly is growing at such a supernatural rate, I may be forced to blow my cover sooner than later, at the risk of being called bloated or, gasp, fat. (Who am I kidding: I'm already there. Ugh.)

Baby #3 (or affectionately referred to as, Better-Be-A-Girl by hubby) is definitely going to rock my world for the next few months.  Going to class on weekends, completing coursework, going to work full-time, two kids + one, if you include hubby, all while completing a thesis, nursing/pumping/insomnia, etc, etc....

While challenging, I find myself blessed to have found myself in this situation.  Actually, I find it slightly humourous, though perhaps this laughing gas I'm breathing will eventually wear off and I'll find myself needing oxygen instead. Until then, I'll keep chuckling away to keep my spirits up, shaking my head in disbelief to this cockamamie brick wall I keep running into. 

Damn logistics.  Good thing this ain't a real war.

When The Going Gets Tough...

I threw in the towel today.

As much as I refuse to admit defeat and use the words, "I surrender", I did just that.

I surrendered.

I surrender to the expections I have placed on myself to being everything to everybody.

I surrender to the unexpected events I have endured, worrying about the what-ifs that would've changed things and the what-ifs that may never be.

I surrender to the facade of being a good mother, in the face of actually being a good mother.

I surrender to what is left of me.

I have been forced to realize the status of my self-being: being suddenly deprived of everything I sought so hard to achieve, yet also feeling that perhaps I had never achieved anything in the first place.

So I'm taking a time-out, a "forced" (tell me, who admits defeat, willingly?) "medically-supervised" (read: borderline clinical depression) leave-of-absence from my job, so I can re-focus, re-adjust, refine and re-find my mind, body, spirit because, somewhere, I lost myself.

Where am I?

As I stood in the hallway of my doctor's office, staring out the tower window looking down on the street below, I contemplated what a leave-of-absence meant.

Defeat.

Weakness.

Incapable.

Failure.

Surely others have way more on their shoulders, yet why can I not do the same: grin and bear it?

So, I will take these next few weeks to gather my wits, "take a breather", learn to de-multitask, and focus on spending some time mending my spirit.

But in true Cheryl-style, to add insult to injury, I came across a book today, and I couldn't decide whether to throw it against a wall or curl up with it. It was a book on highly successful career-driven women and how they balance work and family. I bought it. If it's a secret, I do want in. But I'm not sure I'm ready to tackle my issues just yet, so this book will likely remain decoration on my nightstand, to taunt me, perhaps, or maybe it'll sink into my subconscious during sleep and then I'll finally know....

Back To School!

"Congratulations!"

And with that, my life has been uprooted again.

I have been accepted into grad school!



A solemn acceptance of my fate ahead was sealed as I read my offer of admission via email last Thursday. I actually got in, unconditionally; my file at The Faculty of Graduate Studies is considered complete. I don't have to write the GMAT...all I have to do is say yes.

It took me 8 days to reply to the Faculty of Medicine (from which the MHA is being offered). I needed time to assess what a Yes meant for me, my family, and life as I knew it.

Saying yes meant I would be immediately broke starting September.
Saying yes meant moving into a bigger home would likely have to be put on hold.
Saying yes meant I would be spending less time with family.
Saying yes meant I would be stressing out a lot more than I already do (I'm anticipating meds.)

Saying yes meant I would not add Child #3 to my family....for now.

I'm ok with the first four points. The last point was a little bit hard to face.

But, you know, I have to remain firm in my belief that what is meant to be will be. Life is too short to be wondering about the what ifs.

Eight days later, and I believe.

I could've dissected this decision to apply to grad school with a finer-toothed comb, but it's because I believe in the fate that leads me, I'll be ok.

And so goes my reply... "I am writing to inform you that I happily accept the offer of admission granted by The Faculty of Graduate Studies and I am extremely excited to be entering the MHA program in September 2011."

I need another sip of my Malibu sitting beside me: it's finally kicking in.

Cheers to the long 2 year ride ahead!

Firework

It's complete....my application to grad school!

I drove over to the University today and personally handed it in to the receptionist desk. It wasn't as satisfying as handing it directly to the Program Manager, but to have my CV and my Letter of Intent out of my hands and into the hands that be felt pretty dang good! Or so I thought...

I gathered myself together as I left the building, trying to sum up what I was feeling. Kinda like taking a deep breath and letting it all out slowly, wondering if I'll be able to breathe deep again. I thought I'd be quite celebratory afterwards, but the pessimistic side of me got to thinking, "Hey, you only got your application in! You still have to compete with all the other applications that are sitting there! Maybe you really should've smacked a proper Avery label on the envelope rather than handwriting the addressee on there like a kindergartener! It's not in the bag yet!"

Yep, anti-climactic me.

And it kinda kills me that Katy Perry's Firework keeps blaring out on the radio. It used to get me kinda hyped about doing something crazy like going to school again, and, like on cue, I heard it again on my drive home and I could only tap my fingers to the music rather than grandstand ridiculously in that dreamworld head of mine and belt it out.

I get a nice warm feeling inside, though, thinking, what if....

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin, like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep, six feet under screams, but no one seems to hear a thing?
Do you know that there's still a chance for you, 'cause there's a spark in you?

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine, just own the night like the Fourth of July
'Cause baby you're a firework, come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!" as you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you're a firework, come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!" , you're gonna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own.

You don't have to feel like a waste of space ; you're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds: after a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed, so you could open one that leads you to the perfect road Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow, and when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine, just own the night like the Fourth of July
'Cause baby you're a firework, come on show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!" , as you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you're a firework, come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!" , you're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe

Boom, boom, boom, even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you , and now it's time to let it through
'Cause baby you're a firework , come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!" as you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you're a firework, come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!" , you're gonna leave 'em all in awe-awe-awe

A Red, Pink and Blonde Valentine's

I've never been much into Valentine's Day. Just another commercial day to force you to acknowledge those who love you. Ok, to remind you might be a more diplomatic term. (Did I mention I got a paper shredder one year from my husband? I try not to read between the lines if I can help it).

Yesterday, while I didn't do anything to acknowledge the day (I wore black , coincidentally), my two little men each gave me a long-stemmed rose that they picked out themselves...red and pink.

And Hubby surprised me with tickets to Legally Blonde: The Musical!

I love this musical....the music is catchy, and I've been wanting to see this for a while. I DID have to go online and pick out the seats I wanted. AND because I'm an email subscriber to Broadway Across Canada, I had a promo code for $45 Orchestra seats ($30 off!). He was going to pay $122US/ticket but thought I should pick the seats I want so I had to go online and buy them first, and good thing: he was on the venue's ticketing site, and not Ticketmaster (who DOESN'T go through Ticketmaster?)

So, I saved him a bundle, I get to Go Pink, and life just became peachy again!

Blogging On The Go

Just testing this out...apparently I CAN blog-on-the-fly because I set up my blog for updates via email.

I think I used this service once!

I only bought my Blackberry Bold 9700 last March and I'm sure I haven't updated my blog via BB before. Prior to my smartphone, I would have had to be at a computer to email anything, and why I set my blog up to accept email updates when I could write directly in it is beyond me!

So, *whistle,whistle*...is this mic on? Testing...

Sent from my BlackBerry

Kindergarten, Update!

It turns out that I have a lot of drafts on my Blogger dashboard (reaffirming my commitment to try and blog more rather than tweet), so I'll give a quick update on my Kindergarten Registration and Parlons Francais! posts on how my son is doing in school.

Yes, I applied to Early French Immersion, and we won the lottery (literally, the french immersion entrance lottery). The Kid's now been in school for over 5 months now, and he appears to be soaking it in. Although this kid isn't particularly shy, he's not a "singer and dancer", my term for his lack of artistic expressiveness. So determining if he has learned anything at all (remembering that a lot of kindergarten learning is done by rote and involves a lot of imitation through song), it was difficult to get him to sing anything, always given a "I forgot!" response.

Well, today, was one of the few times he actually offered to sing me a song, and a french song at that. Quite a feat, considering he doesn't even know many English songs (so much for beating Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star into him as a baby!). I had him repeat it several times on the ride over to my parents today, as all songs he does sing seem to begin from the back seat, and even though I couldn't understand most of it, it was very gratifying.

It's too bad they all can't stay kindergarteners forever.

I Tweet Too Much

That's my problem.


I've largely ignored my blog due to Twitter. For those who are on Twitter, you know what I'm talking about. There's no commitment to the tweets you make: they're random, tangent, in-the-moment, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of comments. And I'm very random.

I'm sort of a perfectionist, especially when it comes to my writing. That's where this blog takes an exit: my life right now is far from being perfect and I'm constantly trying to find this balance I'm yearning for, and I'm not there yet. Writing should be comforting for me, and it is, but I'm finding I do not have the time to commit to such a project. I prefer to write than to blog, and I'm thinking my definition of the two should be more similar than I let on.

So that being said, I'm going to try and blog more than tweet. Ok, a half-baked lie, since tweeting on a Blackberry is way more easier than blogging, but I'm going to try.

Here's ANOTHER update to complement my latest tweets....


1. Grad school

Yes, I'm apparently going through an early mid-life crisis and have decided that it's time to go back to school. Frankly, I'm fed up with the sh!t I put up with at work and figured there's a lot more to life than staring down a microscope and listening to my coworkers bitch about the bureaucracy and each other. And the only way I'm going to make more money than my current salary is if I move into management of some kind.

Enter grad school.

I was considering an MBA but instead of giving up the "wealth" (haha!) of knowledge I've learned from being in the health care sector, I'm going to try my hand at getting in the MHA program instead (Master of Health Administration). It's also cheaper, by about half ($30K!). This is an executive-style program, meaning I can still work full-time, pay for my mortgage, and still study my way out of my current job.

So far, I've put in my online application, created my CV, and told my three referees about sending in their Letters of Reference. All I've really got to work on for the next week is my Letter of Intent, where I outline why I should be allowed into the program and how I see it fit in my career goals.

I haven't started yet simply because "making more money and getting the hell out" of working in a laboratory doesn't seem to be convincing enough. I'm working on more tangible reasons. :)

And, in the meantime, I also have to start studying for this GMAT exam that I may have to challenge. I've bought all the books I need to study, yet, hoping against hope, that I'll be given a waiver to not write (long story, but there's a stipulation in the admissions policy that could be in my favour).

So, in true procrastination, the following has occupied my past few days...


2. MAC and Other Lemmings

I've always been in makeup, being gifted my first Cover Girl lipstick in Frosted Rose when I was 14. But, lately, past few years, I've been practically obsessed with it! I have some posts in this blog under the tagline "makeup" you can search for, if you're interested.

So I won't go into great detail, as this blog is not a true beauty blog (there are many out there that do a FANTASTIC job at this) but I'm been wanting, begging, pleading for some decent eye brushes. I just picked up a 224, a tapered blending brush, but really wanted the discontinued 226 for creasework. My wish list: 217, 219, 239, 208, 249. I'd march right down to my local MAC counter and buy these all if it weren't for the awesome Canadian dollar...If I bought all these on the US website and have them shipped to just across the border my fave US-parcel-pickup, I'd save enough money to get another brush free! I paid $35 CAD for the 224 and it only cost about $25 US! Gah!

And I "lucked" out going to MAC yesterday for the launch of the Wonder Woman collection (I say lucked tongue-in-cheek because it's not so lucky how much I ended up spending!). I didn't think I'd like any of the product, purposeful avoiding all the online reviews, but I ended up testing Marquise'D (lipstick), Emancipation (Lip Glass), and Mighty Aphrodite (duo blush). I ended up liking Mighty Aphrodite so much by the end of the day, I called my MAC counter 10 minutes before closing and asked them to put it on hold for me until my makeover consult (*sigh*) next Saturday. I'm a sucker for LE's (Limited Editions). Kinda rethinking my purchase on Marquise'D, though, as my pigmented lips find it a bit chalky. It looked good with Emancipation, though (hmmm.....).


3. Baby #3

Hold your horses! This ain't a sealed deal yet! Along with my mid-life crisis comes along my ridiculous notion to plan out my life. And life, as I figured it, always included three kids. I don't know when I'm really gonna fit this in, with school and work, so call me Crazy.....

....if I get into grad school for September 2011, I plan to defer admission until 2012, allowing me time to have a baby prior to school. Then I can go to school from 2012 to 2014. By the time I've graduated, the kids will be 9, almost 6, and (if I'm lucky), almost 3 (or just turned 2).

I'll be 40 when I graduate.

Gad! I hadn't realized that! I'm gonna need therapy too....pencil-ling that into the schedule...!

So, if I can have my last kid before the rest of my life pans out, I can ditch the maternity clothes I've got! LOL All kidding aside, the true test is wrapping my head around perhaps having another boy and not getting the girl I'd like to have. Yes, even if God told me right now that my third child will definitely be a boy, I can honestly say that that's ok with me. After all, the two boys I already have brighten my day, who's to say that another boy would be so terrible?

4. House Hunting

For those that don't live in Vancouver, the real estate market here is INSANE! All homes have move than doubled their value in the past in 9 years, making Vancouver one of the hottest real estate markets in the country. The average price of a Vancouver home has reached $1 million.

Our tiny, 4-bdr, 2000 sq ft house averages $700K. In order to upgrade, we're looking at million-dollar homes.

Case-in-point: we recently put in an offer at the asking price of $1.050 million with one little Subject-To-Inspection clause in the contract, and we were outbid, by only $10K though, but no subjects. There are MANY homes that are being sold at $40K to even $120K over-asking. INSANE!

I may never own my dream home here in Vancouver, but maybe I will one day after I get that higher-paying job after grad school, after the baby #3, after.....

...I stop procrastinating.

Signing off Twitter and the blog tonight, to get some rest and start my Letter of Intent!

It is Alive! It is Alive!

Yes, I'm not dead.

I haven't touched this blog in ages (has it really been over 6 months? Yikes!) and I just am so unbelievably busy, I really don't know where the time has flown. Yeah, it's the truth, and not an original excuse, but it's the only one I've got.

And although I hate to leave you hanging again at the risk of abandoning my blog for another 6 months, I always seem to blog (or attempt to blog) when I really should be asleep or, rather, should be doing something else entirely. Right now, I should be sleeping, as it's 5am and I've been awake for the past 3.5 hours, mostly on my computer (doing inane research, the occasional $100 online shopping cart, catching up on one of the Steven Seagal greatest hits that always seems relegated to these wee hours on TV...you know, typical insomnia routine!).

Ah, screw it. If I crawl back into bed now, the husband is just going to do his sighing thing and start complaining that I didn't get any rest.

Better to feign dead on the couch.

Maybe I'm not alive after all!

Spa Review: A Touch Above Electrolysis & Esthetics

I haven't blogged in weeks, but I wrote up a review today on Yelp, about a facial I had. I thought I'd post it here until I get a chance to write something more meaningful.

A Touch Above Electrolysis & Esthetics: a Review

BMO Vancouver Marathon.... Part 2

I'm writing this a month later...so my memory has faded somewhat....

I guess I never really finished my last post because I was yapping too much about everything BUT the race! So here's Part 2 about the real nuts-and-bolts of what happened that day, again, based on whatever I can remember!

Despite being a rainy day, I managed to make a PR, beating my previous record by over 5 minutes. I had ran with a 2:11:00 pace band, and kept up with it, for the most part. Up until halfway through, I was beating pace by a couple of minutes, but by the time I had reached Prospect Point and that damn hill, all that shaved time crept back up and I was "even" again. I even succumbed to the evils in my head and (gasp!) walked for 30 seconds near the peak of the Point (that lady screaming that we were almost at the top obviously didn't walk that rest of the way to see how inaccurate she was!) But I gained some time on the nice downhill stretch between about 9 and 11 miles, leaving Stanley Park.

Everything on the route was labelled in kms, so I had a pace band in kms splits. I had no idea what I was really running in miles, since I had missed the 5-mile marker and only caught the 10-mile marker. Didn't matter, because by the time I got to the 17-km mark, I was almost ready to pack it in. I don't know how I managed to keep some kind of pace during the last 5 km. All the landmarks I passed made it seem so close to the finish line, yet as I passed ANOTHER familiar landmark, I realized that I was not as close as I thought!

As I approached the Finish, I could finally see the clock, and it was over about a minute and a half slower than what I been going by on my wristwatch. How could that be, I thought. If their km markings were accurate, there's no way my watch is that off! It turns out that in the chaos occurring in my mind at the time, I did not clue in that the clock was showing the Gun Time, and not Chip Time (as in MY Chip Time...how selfish of me!), therefore my clock I was going on was accurate to within a second of my official Chip Time. I can't say, though, that if I knew this at the time, if I would have had the energy to sprint to the Finish like a mad woman to break my goal of 2:11:00. Perhaps me stopping for 30 seconds at the top of the hill back at Prospect Point really did throw off my pace that much to cost me the 14 seconds I needed to make goal. I finished the race in 2:11:14 (former PR was 2:16:27).

But I can't dwell on little things like that, since it's these little things that can wreak havoc to the self-esteem, and I think I still did pretty well, with all the training I had done, to still be able to achieve a PR.

Now, I need another goal to achieve.

I think I'll try running just to run...until my next race, that is!

BMO Vancouver Marathon.... Part I

Today was the day....the day I had been training months for, since October of last year.

The BMO Vancouver Marathon!
My head is full of stories and thoughts during the run that I wish were able to have been instantly typed as they occurred: the people I observed, port-a-potty wonders, the numerous fails I experienced here and there...

Yes, FAILS!

Fail #1: Transit

I decided to take the bus this morning, since I received free transit passes on twitter from @bmovanmarathon. And this way, the hubby and the kids wouldn't have to wake up so early just to drop me off.

So, I arrived at the bus stop at 5:30, awaiting arrival at 5:37. Yup, the time came and went! And numerous taxis suspicious stopped close by and I finally caved and flagged one down. Turned out that the same taxi was circling me like a hawk, and good thing, because that bus never came. Taxi bill = $16.55 + $2 tip. After being dropped off at about 6:20 am, I made a firm commitment then, during, and after the race, that I would demand a refund from Translink for their misinformation on their Trip Planning website. Turns out, I selected tomorrow's Monday morning schedule and not Sunday's morning schedule. Dammit...you are off the hook, Translink...for now!

When I got there, I remembered what I heard John Stanton (Running Room founder, and Order of Canada recipient) said yesterday at a Guest Speaker presentation at the Sports Expo when I picked up my registration package: when you get here tomorrow, head straight for the port-a-potty. So, I did, and got to pick out any of the two-dozen parked by the entrance: no line-up (yet!). Going early, the port-a-potties were "fresh" from being recleaned.

Almost-Fail #2: Almost dropping wallet down port-a-potty!

Yes, almost! I have a neoprene pocket that clips to the inside of your pants that can hold some ID, keys, some cash. I clipped it the back of my pants, at the small of my back, and nearly forgot about it as I pulled my pants down. Good things I secured that baby well --- I usually don't! Yikes....that would have been bad, very bad....

I go inside the main building, where tons of runners are milling about, keeping warm. It's not terribly cold outside (about 6 degrees C?) but it's a lot more comfortable inside. I find my way to the back and got to Gear Check. I didn't bring anything to check except for the long sleeve shirt I was wearing on top of my souvenir technical tee; meanwhile, everyone around me had huge baggage reminiscent of being at an airport.

It was at this point I realized my decision to not bring my phone was a wrong move. People were surely checking in valuables despite a request not to. I could see their point, since bags could fall into the wrong owner's hand unknowingly, however, I highly doubted that someone would be accepting another's gear if they could recognize the monstrosity of their own baggage through the cloudy, crinkly plastic gear check bag.

A Running Post: My Final 10 Miles

1:23 in traffic delays and 10 sec because I was going in the wrong direction!

Including these delays: 1:43:04 was my time, which is a 10:17 pace. Without the lights and the misdirection (trying to recall the above map while running was constantly on my mind!), my pace was an ok 10:08.

Not as good a pace as I was expecting, but maybe during race time I'll be able to gain some speed.

I started slow today, waking up not as early as I hoped, at 6:30am. I scoured the kitchen for something to eat, and there was no yogurt, and the bananas had seen better days. I popped in an Eggo waffle, hoping it wouldn't cause cramps. I was out the door by 7:10am.

My 1st mile split was a slow 10:00 flat. I tried to keep it slow, so that I would last through the whole run.

It wasn't raining, so that was a great bonus. I still wore my tights and L/S shirt but I didn't need gloves. It was a tad windy but that came and went periodically.

During the quiet part of my run (it was pretty early in the morning), I could hear my left shoe cracking/squeaking! It was bugging the hell out of me! Something must have tightened up when the shoes got wet weeks ago. Argh!

Overall, the run went well. I hope I'm ready for the race next week! Now it's time to taper: Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday is 4 miles, 3 miles, 2 miles, respectively. I'm thinking of driving over the route to familiarize myself with the race, so I don't get so freaked out.

It's still freaking me out anyways.

Just a Litte Tear Drop

I've been sick, as you know, and not liking it one bit.

I've worked five whole days since March 25 and I'm sure my coworkers are coming to some conclusion by now that this is getting rather ridiculous.

I couldn't agree more.

At the risk of providing TMI, I'll spare you the details of how gross my sputum has become and where it's decided to lodge itself permanently and set up house. Whether what I've got is indeed pneumonia or not (I'm on Avelox, at $7 a pill!), it sucks even worse when compounded with excruciating lower back pain which boldly surfaces whenever I have to suddenly cough (and expel said sputum!).

So, in addition to Avelox, I'm also on Robax, an OTC medicine for backpain. Containing some magnesium, I have to delay taking it in the morning because of reduced absorption of the Avelox medication. So in the morning, I've got no meds to numb the back pain, usually until about noon. Afterwards, I'm good to go, popping two of those suckers every 6 hours, the max dose allowed. 500mg of Methocarbamol, a muscle-relaxant, and 200 mg Ibuprofen in each pill and I can at least get up from the toilet without crying out Momma.

But the physical pain doesn't compare to the mental anguish I got today from watching my kids leave the house with my parents. My 16-month old slept over at my parents' place last night, the second time ever, and twice this month, and I had a feeling he might stay over again tonight. It was really nice to not have to wake up in the middle of the night and rock him back to sleep as he requires, usually both of us cranky at this point, and waking up in the morning because you felt like it was actually a good time to get up. (Frankly, the only reason I got up was to pop an Avelox so I can take my Robax by noon, and not, as most would think, to pop in some waffles in the toaster oven for the The Big Kid's breakfast -- priorities, people!).

Although I'll see The Big Kid later tonight, I quietly cried at the window as my parents piled the two kids into their van. I can't carry my growing 25-pounder, nor kiss him lots, for fear of getting him more sick (he's still got a bit of bronchialitis); my back is too painful to cart him around like he likes me to. And suddenly a waft of sympathy fell over me, a little sliver of the pain my cousin's wife must have felt as her daughter was carted away from her as she battled her fight with cancer. Then I lost it completely, crumpled to the ground, reliving the agony.

I'm not equating my silly little ailment to something monstrous like cancer, but I felt a tiny twang of pain than must have been a billion-fold more horrendous for my dear cousin-in-law who passed away last October, leaving behind her husband and the sweetest little 2 year old you'll ever meet. I understood it then, but I feel it now.

But now is not the time to reminisce about something still so painful to our family. No, the focus is to take things into perspective and just get better!

Health is pivotal to everything in life ... doing daily tasks, caring for my family, and yes, doing the Daily Grind and working your ass off. I'm sure my husband would appreciate me getting better, as he (un)intentionally makes me guilty of him doing all the laundry and tidying up for me (I swear, being home all day does not benefit the beauty of our home, and in fact it's on a downward slide) and making dinner (oh, who am I kidding --- my cooking hiatus started way before I got sick).

So, my tears fell because I miss my life. I want everything to return to normal, whatever normal is. Just not THIS. I want to return to work, I want to return to running, I want to return to caring for my family.

But all that will have to wait until I return to health.